


Relapse & Recovery

by Umbrellakid04



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV), The Umbrella Academy (TV) RPF
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Drug Abuse, Explicit Language, Gen, Good Brother Ben Hargreeves, Good Brother Diego Hargreeves, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, I’m trying to make luther less of a dick here, Klaus Hargreeves Deserves Better, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Mental Health Issues, No Incest, Oof These Tags, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, Self-Harm, Sorry Not Sorry, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Tags May Change, This is gonna be sad folks, This is super depressing, cant believe I have to write that, i hate this fucking show sometimes, im projecting onto fictional characters sue me, this is depressing as fuck guys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2020-06-02 03:36:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 20,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19433116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Umbrellakid04/pseuds/Umbrellakid04
Summary: “Hey klaus what’s that?” Diego’s eyebrows raise as he asks the question. It takes all he has to not stutter as he speaks, as he sees the lines on his brothers skin, sees his brother lift his head up in confusion.“What’s what?” Klaus sighs into his words, head hung in exhaustion that he shields with excessive eye makeup. He barely stifles back a yawn as he looks at his brothers curious face.“That, on your wrist?” Klaus panics, his eyes travelling to where his brothers looking as he fights to look calm and nonchalant.





	1. Caught

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for self harm and mentions of suicidal thoughts and mental health issues. Seriously if you are triggered by any of these things, don’t read it please. Anyway, happy reading, well not really bc this is gonna be sad as fuck.

A cool breeze rushed through the autumn sky as Klaus and Diego walked into the shop, the strong smell of coffee filling the atmosphere. Not really Klaus’s ideal way to spend his saturday but Diego offered to pay for coffee and by god if he wasn’t craving a caffeine fix after the ghosts and nightmares kept him up all night, and not at all in the fun way. Hell, he was so tired he barely even registered sitting down and ordering with his vigilante brother.

It had been a normal day, well as normal as the umbrella kids could really manage. A few months after stopping the apocalypse, a few months of sibling bonding sessions, a few months of coping with grief and addictions. A few moments of nonchalance and something caught Diego’s eye.

Cuts. Fresh cuts, an array of straight pink lines blending into the silver scars that poke out of Klaus’s pale complexion. Almost invisible.

Almost.

“Hey Klaus what’s that?” Diego’s eyebrows raise as he asks the question. It takes all he has to not stutter as he speaks, as he sees the lines on his brothers skin, sees his brother lift his head up in confusion.

“What’s what?” Klaus sighs into his words, head hung in exhaustion that he shields with excessive eye makeup. He barely stifles back a yawn as he looks at his brothers curious face.

“That, on your wrist?” Klaus panics, his eyes travelling to where his brothers looking as he fights to look calm and nonchalant.

The small silence as he struggles to find an excuse. The silence that almost breaks him in two.

“Street cats fight hard, who knew?” He waves his head dramatically and lets out a small strangled laugh, in an attempt to get Diego to stop looking at his arms and it works, almost. Diego looks at Klaus but doesn’t miss the way he sneakily slides his arms further under his sleeves to cover himself.

“Klaus?” Diego’s voice is firmer than before and Klaus can hear the anger and hurt seeping in. But all Diego can think is, lies. Klaus is lying, the angles are off and his excuses are bullshit and Klaus is lying.

“Hm?” Under a veil of pretence, Klaus hums with a fake smile plastered onto his face. It’s an expression he wears a lot, not that Klaus would ever admit that. Much like he wouldn’t admit the fear he was feeling right now. 

“Show me your arm.”

“Why?” Klaus laughs nervously as he speaks to hide the panic that’s slowly setting in.

“Just show me.” Diego reaches for Klaus’s wrist but his brother pulls his arm away quickly, his smile dropping as he goes.

“No.” This time with more determination, a desperation present in his eyes that Diego’s never seen in him before.

“Something to hide?” His voice is daring, bordering on betrayed as he asks. He knows his brother, knows he won’t actually tell him but if he can just push his buttons enough, maybe he’ll get another glimpse. Something, anything to tell him that it was just a trick of the light even when he knows it isn’t true.

“No, just leave me alone.” And with that, Klaus practically leaps out of his chair to walk away from his brother.

“Not until you show me.” People turned around but it’s not like Diego cared, Klaus however probably looked like a crazy person, eyes covered in mascara that threatens to melt under Diego’s slightly threatening stance.

“Stop, people are staring.” Klaus hisses as he catches the eyes of strangers, uncomfortable with the amount of people lurking for information on the matter.

“What happened to your arm, Klaus?”

“Nothing, ok Diego just drop it.” With one last huff of air, Klaus takes off, stalking away from his vigilante brother.

“Klaus” Diego calls after him as his brother pushes through the coffe shop doors and disappears into a crowd. And if he lets out a quiet stream of curses under his breath, then that’s only his business.


	2. Cornered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so some of you liked the first chapter and so I’m posting the second one. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoy this chapter :)

Klaus makes it back to the academy three hours later, a time he knows Diego will be at his stuffy boiler room suiting up for a vigilante night on the town. Still he can’t help a small amount of anxiety rushing through his bones at the chance that he’s wrong. So when he steps through the grainy wooden door and doesn’t see Diego anywhere, he lets out a breath as his whole body is filled with relief. Thank god. Well not god, she’s a little bitch.

“Where have you been?” Diego’s harsh voice interrupts his thoughts and it takes all Klaus’s strength not to curse at his brother’s cat-like stealth. 

“Oh you know, places to be, people to see, fires to set and whatnot.” Klaus explains, dramatically waving his hands as he walks past Diego, ignoring how his brother follows him intently. 

Klaus rushes towards the staircase, desperate not to look at his brother.  
His brother who knows and by god if that doesn’t make him feel like his heart is being crushed by an anvil.

He gets three steps up the stairs, fingers gripping the wooden banister tightly before he’s stopped by four words. Four words that make his blood freeze and a lump form in his throat, four words that feed a growing panic in his lungs.

“I talked to Ben.” 

And Klaus feels his whole body constrict as he forces himself to steady his breathing. Before.  
Before it can get worse.  
Before Diego sees him having a panic attack.  
Before...

“About what, brother dearest?” Klaus tries not to choke on his words and grows increasingly grateful that Diego can’t see his face right now. He doesn’t actually want to hear the answer to what he’s saying, doesn’t want to hear the lecture on his selfishness, doesn’t want to know how disappointed Ben is in him. 

“About how you relapsed.” Ben’s voice booms out from across the hall, burning holes into the back of Klaus’ skull with how intently he’s staring. When Klaus turns towards his brother, now standing near Diego, he can see it.

Ben knows.  
Diego knows.  
This day is completely fucked. Not in the fun way. Klaus would probably chuckle at that if he didn’t feel like his windpipe was crushing with every thought rushing through his mind.

“I’m clean as a whistle, mí hermano and now if you’ll excuse me, I have a crochet kit with my name on it.” He takes a step up towards the stairs, only to be stopped by another question.

“How long?” 

A long silence ensues and it’s clear enough to Ben now that this wasn’t a one time thing, this wasn’t a small slip, this was probably his only coping mechanism after he quit the drugs. “Ben I- it wasn’t- I’m sober, I thought you already knew that.” Klaus figured he’d claim innocence and avoid his brothers eyes and maybe that would work.

It didn’t work.

“You know damn well I’m not talking about the drugs.” Ben shouted, barely taking notice of the small sad look that Diego was throwing Klaus’ way, the look he knew that Klaus would hate.   
Klaus finally took a chance to look in Ben’s general direction and caught his eyes immediately as his anger settled into a painful level of concern. “So I’ll ask you again, how long?”

“It was one slip, I’m better now.” Klaus spoke calmly and carefully, being fully aware of how pathetic his vigilante brother must think him right now.

“Bullshit.” Diego speaks and suddenly Klaus is reminded that he’s here. It’s not just Ben who knows.  
He gulps down the panic and forces it so far down that he can feel his ribs hurt from his attempts at steady breathing.

“Can we have this conversation in private.” Klaus hisses towards Ben, as he gestured to Diego, still standing nearby while his stoic expression crumbles into a confused concerned stare. 

“Why? So you can lie to me and say that it was ages ago or one slip or that you don’t know what I’m talking about?” 

“It was one slip, it was ages ago and none of this has anything to do with Diego.” Klaus huffed angrily again, which must have been why Diego felt the need to enter the conversation. 

“You’re my brother, Klaus. I didn’t even know that this was a problem for you.” Diego spoke gesturing to his arms as he rambles breathlessly.

“It’s not one, can you just drop it?” 

“When did you relapse Klaus?” Ben was getting impatient now. When he’d first found out, he couldn’t really do anything about it. He was a ghost at that point in time but now he was alive again and he’d be damned if he was going to sit back and watch his brother destroy himself.  
Again.

“Oh my god it doesn’t matter.”

“It matters to me, and I know you had a slip after Dave died but that was four months ago so please tell me the truth.” Wait-

Only silence.

“When did you relapse Klaus?” His voice was soft and concerned and impatient and desperate and it killed Klaus to hear. To hear him hold out hope that maybe, just maybe, it was only a recent change, was heartbreaking. Especially when he knew the answer to his question would not help to ease his brother’s worry.

“Ben” Klaus murmured quietly as he looked down at his shoes and suddenly it all clicked.

Four.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah sorry guys I suck at writing and I’m gonna leave you all like that. I hope you enjoyed the new chapter, it might take a day or two to get a new chapter up because shits getting crazy but yeah. Thanks for reading, any and all criticism is welcome and I’ll see you lovely people later.


	3. Realise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I left ya’ll on a little bit of a cliffhanger and ya’ll wanted me to write a new chapter about it and so... I wrote a really long flashback chapter. I didn’t originally intend to write a flashback scene kinda thing for this chapter never mind something that is twice as long as my other chapters but I wanted to expand on how Ben and Diego’s conversation would go an- ok I’ll cut the bullshit, I’m just an asshole so have this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also the spacing is really weird and ngl I kinda hated this chapter and I might edit it more later but like I’m dead inside so.

Diego couldn’t find Klaus anywhere, he’d looked everywhere he Diego couldn’t find Klaus anywhere, he’d looked everywhere he could think of. Vanya’s apartment, the vet bar, normal bars, alleyways, every room in the academy. He’s checked in with his siblings and none of them had seen their brother, well he’s checked in with all of them except for Ben. He still didn’t have a phone yet so he had to wait until he got the academy to check in with his former ghost brother.

Stepping into Ben’s room again is still slightly weird, it’s something probably none of them will ever feel normal about doing again. Even after four months of their brother being alive again. Speaking of.

“Hey Ben have you seen Klaus?” Diego asks and he swears Ben should have gotten whiplash with how quickly he looked up from his book. 

“No, why you asking?” It was strange to hear anyone ask him anything sometimes, he often forgot that anyone could hear or see him except for Klaus. Even after four months of being back from the dead.

“Nothing just, have you heard anything from him today?” Diego asked, voice anxious and hesitant at the same time, shoulders tenser than usual.

“Not since breakfast, are you okay?” He asked voice filled with concern as he watched his brother. He seemed like he wanted to say something, something he wasn’t allowed to say. 

Diego shifted from side to side, radiating a kind of nervousness and disappointment, Ben had never seen from his vigilante brother before. 

“I’m just worried about him.” Ben let out a tiny huff of laughter at that. Since when, he thought to himself. He expected Diego to growl at him a little for the bitterness in his actions but was met with only silence.

“You’re serious, what’s wrong?” Ben says quickly, fear evident in his voice as he sat up on his bed. _Something must be wrong with Klaus._ All Ben could think about was when he was yelling at his siblings to please, just please help Klaus. Yeah, being a ghost and watching your brother be ripped away from you into a car truck with a couple of sociopathic killers fucks you up a little. His worry only grew when he notice that Diego’s face was contorted into an expression of concern and fear. _Unusual._

“I just-“ he opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. Klaus would never forgive him if he told Ben. What was there to tell, he couldn’t even find his brother to ask him about it. “It’s nothing”

“Did he fall off the wagon, Diego I need to know if he’s sober so I can help him if he’s not, okay?” Ben said slowly, barely able to get the words out. _What if Klaus isn’t sober? No he is, he saw him this morning and besides he’d tell him if he was about to relapse, right?_

“He just-“ if anyone would know how to help Klaus, it would be Ben. God he hoped Ben could help. Diego let out a steady breath while wracking his brain for his next words. “There were some, uh, cuts on his arms”

“Fuck” _I really thought I’d helped him through this_ , Ben thought and after seeing the look on Diego’s face, he realised that he’d said that last part out loud. _Shit._

“What do you mean you thought you helped him through this? Ben?” Diego furrowed his brows at his brother, a confused and fearful look in his eyes as he watched Ben mentally slap himself.

“Nothing sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything” 

“Ben did you know?” Diego moves slightly closer towards his brother, waiting for him to respond to his questions, silence poisoning the air around them. 

Ben just sighed and ran a hand through his hair, black strands in less disarray than his thoughts. “Yeah, it was a problem for him but I thought he was clean, well-“ 

“Well what?”

“He, uh, he had a small slip a few months back but other than that I thought I helped him through it. Now I know that I didn’t” Ben couldn’t bear to look at his brother’s face, eyes gazing to the floor as his heart sinks with guilt.

“Ben you can’t blame yourself for not knowing” 

“Diego I was a ghost, I was tethered to him in death, I’m his best friend, his brother. I should have known. I know Klaus, I-“ Ben can’t handle this crushing weight on his chest, Klaus relapsed, Klaus relapsed and he didn’t know, how didn’t he see this. “I thought I knew Klaus” Ben finally looked up to see his brother’s eyes, usually filled with anger and violence, flooded with empathy at his brother’s guilt. 

“So what do we do?” And suddenly, the furious determination Ben had felt when he first tried to get Klaus clean, was back and he was sure Diego could feel how his words impacted him. He was eyeing him with curiosity, his desire to be a leader completely forgotten in his protectiveness of his brother, as he awaits Ben’s instructions. Diego doesn’t think anyone else could make this decision and Ben doesn’t know how he still has this much faith in him. 

_He didn’t know._

Ben shakes his head away from his thoughts, guilt can wait until later.

For now.

“We help him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m nothing if not a complete bitch so I hope you enjoyed the pain. It’s a bit ooc but I’m a shitty writer so there’s that. Any criticism is appreciated and I hope you enjoyed. See ya next time.  
> Ps. I have no plan for this fic so like I don’t know how many parts it will be pls give me ideas. Thanks
> 
> Edit: the next chapter is gonna be up late by a day, im going through a breakup, sorry that I couldn’t update tonight, see ya!


	4. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s back to the original cliffhanger thing now so just yeah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I got my heartbroken, so instead of writing I cried myself to sleep. Sorry the chapters late and probably not my best but like I’m kinda craving any ounce of validation right now because I’m dead inside so yeah. Anyhoo thanks for reading, really hope you enjoy it.

Four.

Four months.

“Oh my god, you never stopped, did you?” Klaus shut his eyes slowly and concentrated on his breathing as the pit in his stomach grew.

Ben recoiled in sadness and confusion. How didn’t he see this? How did he not know? He knew Klaus, he thought he did. Four months, four months of lies and I’m fines. He knew he wasn’t as okay as he claimed and he’d tried to get him to talk about it. Sometimes he’d even tell him about how he missed Dave. He tried.  
Right?

Silence once again.  
Klaus wasn’t speaking.

“Klaus?” 

“I’m sorry okay it-“ 

“All this time, why didn’t you say anything?” Ben cut him off with a huff of air, as he looks back towards his brother, feeling tears well up in his eyes. 

“It’s fine, Ben I’m fine”

“No it’s not klaus, nothing about this is fine” 

“I’m sorry you weren’t supposed to-“ klaus cut himself off before he could say too much.

“To find out, that makes it worse.” A pang of anger rushed in and out of his body quickly, leaving him deflated like a balloon. Ben blinked quickly to get rid of the tears threatening to spill over, eyeing his brother’s with caution. 

He expected Diego’s fist to be white as winter snow, clenched together in anger, it was normally the first reaction with him. But all he could see was a lost look in his eyes, lost in thought as their brother sighed. 

Klaus felt Ben’s eyes on him, a wave of anxiety rushed over his brain, drowning him in panic as his watery eyes remained fixed on the floor. He just couldn’t look at them. Not yet. Maybe not ever. He couldn’t be met with that sense of disappointment he’d come to expect from his siblings. Not again.

“You have to stop, you know t-that right?” Diego’s words rush through his head, and his shoulders slump even further down in defeat. He can hear Ben let out a shaky breath and Diego stutter slightly over his words and knows. Knows that this is hurting them and while confusing, if that doesn’t make the guilt sink deeper into his soul. Well, it’s not like he’d tell anyone anyway.  
This is why they weren’t supposed to know.

Well it’s one of the reasons.

The other, he didn’t really expect them to care. Which is stupid he knows, they’re getting a bit closer with each other and Ben put up a fuss about if he was okay. 

But a part of his brain won’t stop working itself into an early grave.  
A part of his heart always seeking deeper into the sadness and grief.  
A part of him always thinking about the what ifs. What if Ben stops caring now that he isn’t tethered to you anymore? What if Im overstaying my welcome and they’re all just too nice to tell me they hate me? What if they find out? Will they take them away from me? Will they even care? 

He doesn’t know what to say.

“Yeah I know.” He lets out shakily, still refusing to meet the eyes that are burning hole into his skin. Silence presumes after he speaks and he can’t stop thinking about the words he said. His brain is battling itself with what ifs and what would happens and a chant of you don’t meant that, you don’t mean that, you don’t mea-  
Breathe, are you dying? Oh my god, you’re dying? Breathe, they know, you’re dying.  
Breathe. In. Out.

Just breathe.

BREATHE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I actually want to know what you think so if you could give me some critiques you think could help the story, I’d love to know what they are. Like I said I’m a shit writer. Thanks for all your comments and stuff. See ya next time


	5. Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Also I decided not to read this before posting because writers block is a bitch and I’m a lazy bitch so...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for panic attacks ⚠️ also I hate this chapter so much but I needed a sort of filler chapter and I worked way too hard on this one for it to be deleted and I’ve got a bunch of writers block so enjoy this bullshit.

The silence was deafening but loud, poisonous yet safe, it left everyone to their own thoughts, both good and bad. Normally Klaus   
would try to fill the silence with dark jokes and less than charming stories but now all the words he knew were being used against him. His mind turned anecdotes into deadly venom that spat at him ruthlessly, his entire thought pattern growing in toxicity by the second. I’m 

“Klaus?” His head snapped up to see his brothers watching him with concern, suddenly a few feet in front of him. 

“Yeah? Yea-? He cuts himself off with a shallow breath, eyes focusing on his brothers for only a second before his brain gets lost again and he can’t concentrate. He can’t focus, he-  
He can’t breathe.

Diego’s brow was furrowed in confusion, as he eyed him with curiosity and worry. Ben’s worry was different, knowing, sad. He’s witnessed Klaus’s breakdowns and panic attacks and nightmares all before so he knows the signs.  
He knows.   
He sees.

He sees the way Klaus’s breathing is slightly ragged, the way his shoulders are hunched over. He sees how his eyes are darting around and searching desperately for something to focus on. Sees his grip tighten on the banister and knows that he’s overwhelmed.

“Diego can you leave us alone for a minute?" Ben says quickly, turning to see his vigilante brother focusing completely on Klaus.

At the sudden question, Diego snaps towards his brother, his expression confused as his mouth hangs open. He wants to speak, asks him why, ask klaus if he’s okay but something holds him back. Maybe it’s the shakier breaths falling from Klaus’s mouth, or the look of urgency in Ben’s eyes, but eventually he decides.

Diego says nothing, doesn’t trust himself to say anything without rocking the shaky situation they’re in, even more somehow. So he leaves, shooting his brothers worried glances as he treads into the living room quietly.

“Klaus? Hey, can you hear me buddy?” Ben speaks softly as his brother squints and lets out another shaky breath, trying to calm his mind before he spirals too far down into the land of no return.

“I, umm ye-yeah” Klaus replies breathlessly, running his hand through his hair, now wild and slightly coated in sweat from...  
Where?  
How did he get so sweaty?  
Why is he breathing so heavy?  
Where is he?  
His grip tightens as he feels himself slip from his place on the stairs slightly.

“Hey, Klaus I’m going to touch you okay? Is that alright?”

“Uh yeah, okay” Klaus was sitting now, legs buckling under the pressure in his lungs as he concentrates his breathing with closed eyes. Ben reaches out onto him, whispering reassurances about what’s real.

“Klaus you’re safe, you’re home, ok, I’m here with you.” Klaus opened his eyes as he saw Ben crouched by his side, clutching onto him gently as his breathing steadied.

After five minutes of his lungs leveling out, Klaus seemed to have calmed down considerably, mind finally quieter than before. Klaus was just thankful that the number of ghosts around that day was rather small and that most were crying instead of screaming. 

“C’mon, lets go” Ben said, taking Klaus’s hand and pulling him up slowly. Klaus looked to Ben in confusion as he stood up, legs slightly less shaky than before. 

“Where we going?”

“We’re going to your room, the others will be back soon and I’m guessing you don’t want to be on the staircase as all hell breaks lose” Ben replied, walking up the stairs, his brother’s arm leaning slightly on his shoulders as they went.

“You won’t tell them anything, will you?” 

Ben breathes out a sigh and his mouth moves into a firm frown, faltering in his step before continuing up the stairs. He hadn’t thought about it, but he already knows what the answer to Klaus’s question is. “Of course not, not my secret to tell, is it?” 

Klaus felt a small sense of relief flood through him, a nice and welcome change if he does say so himself. It’s been a stressful day, Diego found out, Ben confronted him, he almost went into a full fledged panic attack.  
Wait-   
Diego.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, this is probably my least favourite chapter so far but it’ll hopefully pick up on actual storylines soon, I just needed to get this out because I’m dead inside. Thanks for all the support and for reading this story. So glad you’re enjoying it so far, see ya next time :)


	6. Search

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeah I’ve been pretty bad at updating because life. But here’s a long chapter that took me 3 hours to write that I actually for some reason like. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy the chapter, read beginning notes for TW.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for blood mention, anxiety, and self harm references ⚠️

“C’mon Klaus, you know we’ve given you too much time already.” Ben said gently with a sigh, running his hands through his hair in exasperation at his brother’s attempts to stall. 

“Yeah I know but I doubt you want to find the porn I have stashed around somewhere.” Klaus replied with a sly grin on his face, flailing his arms around dramatically and daring his brothers to try and argue, and if that got him a scowl from Diego then so be it. Speaking of his vigilante brother.

“Klaus, Ben was around you for 14 years, my guess is he’s already seen too much anyway.” Little did Diego know that from where he stood, leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed and a serious look of his face, he was giving Klaus perfect ammo.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” Klaus exclaims wiggling his eyebrows at his brother, choosing to ignore the four corpses in front of him that were steadily dripping blood on his floorboards. There were only four, if anything he thought it lucky and fitting, of course there would be four angry ghosts, the day he had to do this. Of course his talk with Diego had done nothing to reassure him that he was okay.  
Of course, Diego wouldn’t fall for his theatrical routine again.

All he did was roll his eyes and give him his normal you aren’t getting away with this look, not full of judgment but awareness. He knew what Klaus was doing. “I normally just went to pay a visit to Vanya, actually.” 

Klaus hissed at his brother, only to get no reaction from him and god he was getting desperate now. They had already exhausted all of his old material, every trick in the book to get Diego and Ben to just fucking drop it already, but to no avail. His brothers were stubborn as all hell, which actually now that he thinks about it, doesn’t know if hell would be worse than the afterlife he went to or better. Well apparently there was no Reginald in hell so that’s a plus. Being tortured, again his brain chimes in, not so much. Also, Dave would probably be in the afterlife.

Dave. 

His heart sinks just a little more.

“Klaus!” He breaks from his thoughts to pretty much the same as before, this time however Ben is clapping his hands in front of his face to get him to pay attention. Yeah it’s not the first time he’s done that, and it probably won’t be the last. Ben chuckles a little to himself at the thought.

“Yes, yea- yeah, what’s up?” 

No one replies.  
They don’t have to.  
They all know what’s coming.

“So?” Ben says, looking seriously at Klaus with a look of promise and hope. It’s refreshing, if Klaus is being honest, he hasn’t seen any of his siblings look at him like that in a really long time, like there’s still something to save. Wow that’s fucking depressing, he muses to himself.

It’s still silent and it becomes clear that they’re both waiting for him to say something. Oh well, better to get it over with now than have a growing weight of anxiety until an inevitable panic attack takes place. But god he isn’t ready, he never will be. He thinks he’ll just bask in the silence for a little while more, so he takes a few deep breaths before he just.  
Sighs.

“Dodgy floorboard, you already know which one.” And with that, Ben is waltzing up towards Klaus, patting him on the shoulder lightly as he speaks. 

“Thanks, I know it’s know easy but you know we-“

“Know you have to do this, yeah I know.” Klaus cuts Ben off with a sigh, eyes avoiding his brother’s. “Uh I’m just going to have a bath while you two make yourselves at home in the chaos that is me.” He says, gesturing to his whole room as he turns dramatically, before making his way past Diego and towards the bathroom. 

Out of the corner of Klaus’s eye, he can see Diego pushing himself off the door frame, sad eyes as he thinks of the room search he has ahead of him. He watches.  
Watches his brother’s start moving his room around to search for blades, he watches until he can’t stand to watch any more. 

Grainy wooden doors seem better to watch any day of the week but as he ignores the mirror in favour of putting the lock in place, he still feels the same amount of anxiety weighing on him, he isn’t sure it’s ever going to stop. It’s then he realises that locking the door isn’t usual behaviour for him. Well it’s not like he hasn’t been doing that for months to keep his secret safe, to keep his new addiction under his siblings’ noses, to keep numb without his previous vices. But still.

Klaus doesn’t normally close the door. Klaus would usually keep the door open, Diego realises now. Just another sign they missed. How did they miss this? Bigger fish to fry, Diego, come on. We have a room to search. “So where do we start?” A sorrowful shrug drops from his shoulders, as he looks towards his brother who only exhales loudly before clapping his hands together.

And just like that, they were moving Klaus’s bed to get to dodgy floorboards and opening books that five would be offended to know had been cut up for hiding places. Okay, so maybe Ben is also a little offended at the sacrifice of Russian literature for a sneaky hiding spot, sue him. 

Klaus had promised he only hid them in one place, but he’d promised that before and well, Ben couldn’t afford to take that chance again. Any place they could think of, they started rearranging things to get to it. 

But the thing is.

None of them actually want to see it. They know what they’re going to find, Ben knows exactly what he’s going to find. But with Klaus’s room, there are endless hiding spots, and he doesn’t really know what he’d do if he found as many blades as last time. 

He listens to the bathtub filling up with water and remembers. He remembers it so well, he can almost smell the stench of blood on porcelain. This has to be done. It can’t end up like last time. 

It just can’t.

“What are you doing?” A voice behind them asks and both brothers freeze.

Five.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, thanks for reading I really hope you enjoyed this chapter, it take ages to write and in the end, I decided to be mean and leave you on a cliffhanger. For those who wanted the family to find out, you don’t actually know who it is, you don’t know what I mean and I will retain the element of surprise if it kills me to do so. See ya next time :)
> 
> Edit: next chapter might take a few days because i mean it’s me. So yeah


	7. Discover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I hate this chapter but I’ve left you guys for a rather long time compared to normal, but I come bearing a larger chapter for yas that’s full of bullshit. I might rewrite this tho so like beware

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for anxiety, and self harm references ⚠️

Klaus always loved water, it muffled the screams of the dead like soundproof headphones and the darkness was surprisingly comforting. He’d never liked the dark, it’s where spirits lurked and festered but the darkness of water was for some reason, safe. Turning on the taps for a bath felt like coming home. The water drowning out the ghosts as he gets lost in sight of bright blue, like summer nights with Dave. 

Dave.

Always the confident outspoken brother, Klaus finds it rather weird that he suddenly can’t change in front of a mirror, taking off clothes was a lot easier when he didn’t get his eyes caught on silver lines. But this time he’d barely gotten to that part of self loathing before hearing voices from the hallway, and steps creeping near. Over 4 months later and you still can’t stop jumping at noises  
Fucking pathetic. 

Pretty soon, the voices of Five and Ben drowned out the thoughts in his head. 

“Five, I thought you were out with the others.” Ben says, voice filled with surprise and panic, as he quickly looks to Diego in a look that could only be described as holy fuck what are we going to do.

“Yeah well I thought Klaus was sober but here you are tearing his room to shreds” fives usual snark doesn’t cover up the disappointment in his voice as well as he’d want it to and everyone in the room can tell. 

Five’s feet scraped across the floor in sorrow, eyes piercing into his brother’s as he waits for them to answer but he doesn’t know if he wants them to explain. The signs that Klaus wasn’t sober anymore were evident, and he’d be a fool to miss them. Klaus had been avoiding all of them especially Ben, he was probably hiding track marks under his sleeves, and now his brother’s were searching Klaus’s room. 

Five couldn’t very well claim to be the smartest if he refused to acknowledge the obvious, now could he?

“He is sober, we were umm-“

“We were just helping Klaus move some stuff around, he keeps going on about feng shui and all that good energy bullshit.” Diego finished for Ben, a nervous laugh almost breaking through at the lies. He hasn’t talked to Klaus yet but it seems like he doesn’t want anyone to know so he guesses it’s an excuse he has to make for his brother.

Five looks unconvinced.

“Why don’t I believe you?” And Diego and Ben would never admit it but fuck if they weren’t cowering under their brother’s curious stares. Cmon think. What do we say? What do we say?

Shit.

“Because you Fivey, are a little scoundrel with an endless thirst for knowledge.” And suddenly Klaus is walking towards his bedroom, as much confidence as he can put into his step as he hopes that it’s enough to hide the impending panic attack.

“Hey Klaus, care to show me your eyes?” He phrased it as an amusing question, Klaus figured he would fight fire with fire. 

He glances at the corner of his room where a burnt corpse is screaming at him and thinks, ironic.  
Well, he probably wouldn't be amused but Klaus found that rather funny.

“And why, Dear brother, would I do that?” Klaus furrows his brows as the room looks on at the theatrical display in front of them.

“So I can see if they’re dilated.”

“Ugh yee of little faith, but fine if you won’t believe me then I have nothing to hide.”

To be completely honest, Klaus is only a little offended that Five doesn’t think he’s sober. His little (older) brother has always been a man (boy?) of facts and logic, and if all signs lead to Klaus’s sobriety being questioned then that’s just how Five thinks. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting a little.

So here he is, watching with increasing anxiety as his brother realises he isn’t high in the slightest. Relief and confusion both flood Five’s veins as his eyebrows furrow. He doesn’t understand this. Ben and Diego’s story was clearly bullshit but Klaus wasn’t high, he’s not even in withdrawal. He wasn’t shaking, there was no sweating or signs of nausea, and his eyes were  
Normal? This doesn’t make any sense.

“See? I’m sober, my hands are steady as rocks, my blood is clean as can be and my eyes are their sober shining selves. Anything else brother dear?”

“What are you hiding, Klaus?” 

“Nothing ya little weirdo, I’m just trying to rearrange my room. Actually I can’t take all the credit, Ben certainly has an eye for interior design.” Klaus exclaims dramatically, waving his arms about in Ben’s general direction. Ben just sees the huge smile he’s plastering on his face and wonders if it’s painful, it hurts to look at now that he knows it’s completely fake. He wears the same smile a lot.   
Fuck.

“I’ll figure it out” and with that Klaus feels his heart drop just a little lower than before, he didn’t even think that was possible yet here we are. With two of his brothers knowing everything and the other close to figuring it out in a ripped apart bedroom that Klaus prays hasn’t been cleared yet. 

Maybe they’ll just forget about all of this, leave him be. Five could go back to his equations, Diego could go spend time with mom and Ben could finally live his life.  
Can’t do that if you’re constantly bothering him, can he?   
Seriously you’re pathetic.  
What makes you think Five would even care anyway? Like anyone would give a shit about you.

“Great now if you’re done questioning my sobriety, I have a chair to move.” Klaus says, waltzing past his brother as he resists the urge to curl his fingernails into his fists. Christ this is probably the worst possible time, but all he can think about right now is that 5 steps away from the chair he’s standing next to, is a floorboard with a box of blades under it.

After a very uncomfortable stare down with his brother, Klaus can finally breathe again as he sees Five disappear in a flash of blue light. Time and space travel.  
The briefcase.  
Dave.

Klaus shakes his head to get rid of his thoughts as he sighs outwards in relief. That’s when he registers that Ben and Diego are whispering and glancing his way. He can hear small whispers of hid your knives? and of course before all Klaus feels is the urge to escape.   
They’re taking them away.   
They control all of this.  
You have no control.   
Nothing.

The sound of taps running catches his attention, adding to the sounds of screaming corpses and the chaos of his own mind.

“I left the bath running, so if yall kind gentlemen will excuse me for a moment” He puts on a smile and a southern belle accent before he practically runs away from the room. What he didn’t notice is the spark of blue leaving the hallway before he went. 

The blue spark.  
The symbol of number five who was listening intently on the other side of the wall and was now in his own state of crisis.  
Knives? Why would Diego hide his knives? What was going on? 

He doesn’t know what’s happening but he’s going to find out, no matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, hope you can tolerate this chapter, I hate it. I genuinely hate this entire chapter but I’m hoping to wrap this story up quite soon but in order to do that I have to drag out a bunch of my bullshit. Idk why you guys still read my shitty writing but yanno thanks for reading and I’ll see ya next time :)


	8. Relapse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I hate this whole thing but I’m officially three months clean today so I fancied writing more for this story.   
> Remember to check the beginning notes for trigger warnings and stay safe :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW  
> ⚠️ Self harm, anxiety, blood mentions, relapse ⚠️  
>  Guys please stay safe, if this story, in any way triggers you then please stay away and stay safe.

The bitter cold of the bathtub sent chills down his spine as he lets his thought consume him. He gave it a good run. That’s what Klaus decided to tell himself. It wasn’t like he was actually trying to stop forever so all things considered it was a good run.

3 weeks.

It’s been 3 weeks since Ben and Diego tore his room apart searching for silver, 3 weeks since Five got all suspicious, 3 weeks since he last cut. A whole 21 days of Ben checking his arms every morning and night, while Diego eyed him like a fragile china doll. It’s been a whole 3 weeks of barely getting a moment to himself.

3.

3 hours since he managed to slip out and buy more blades. I mean it’s not like he didn’t try to stay clean, he did. He tried for Ben and Diego and Five who finally stopped putting his nose where it didn’t belong, every second of the day. He noticed how much he’d been watching him, his usually annoyed and irritated glance turned to one of curiosity, like he was some sort of equation to be solved. He’d rather not let him know the answer to his silly little questions.

He couldn’t let anyone know but he just couldn’t stop like that. He knew just the hiding place, his arms were being checked all the time so if there’s really only one way to hide this. 

How did he get here?  
Well.

The ghosts were particularly ghoulish and loud today, As were the nightmares. They were filled with technicolour disco lights and Dave. Or at least that’s what he told Ben if he asked about it. The reality of stone cold mausoleum flooring and his siblings screaming at him, wasn’t going to go away by telling his brother so, I mean why bother?  
Right?

Maybe he should have told Ben that they were getting worse, or that the ghosts were too loud for him to take today or that he just can’t do this whole clean thing   
anymore. But that would just be bothering him.  
Wow you think he’d care anyway?   
Why would he? He has his own life now, remember!  
He’s not tethered to you anymore  
You should let him go  
It’s not like you actually do anything good for anyone anyway, is it?  
You’re just pathetic.  
Useless.

He shook his head and tried to refocus. But his head was swirling, this time from dizziness. God, why can’t you do anything right?   
I mean you can’t even stay clean for more than 3 weeks.   
Pathetic.

His head rings with phrases of disappointment, mixing with the ghosts in the air and all he can feel is numb. He tried to stop hearing the ghosts so much yesterday, that today he simply, gave up. It doesn’t matter. Nothing really does anymore. Not without...

Dave.

He can’t get him out of his head. His smile, his laugh, his bloodied chest. His head swarming with thoughts, Dave’s beautiful, Dave’s vulnerable, Dave’s strong, Dave’s...

Dave’s dead.

He couldn’t save him.   
He couldn’t even conjure him.  
He couldn’t do anything right.  
Dave’s dead. 

His thoughts consumed him until the bathroom floor was dripping with blood and he could barely even remember getting there, all he feels is relief and pain.  
But at least he feels something.

Dizzy 

Oh, that’s what he’s feeling. Yeah that makes sense. 

His vision blurs and he can just about make out the lock on the bathroom door. Well thank god he remembered to lock that. Wait, did he?   
He can’t remember, he doesn’t even remember getting here. He’s lost in a daze as the room swirls around him. Pale skin mixed with dark red as he blinks his eyes harshly, trying to figure out where the hell he put his razor blade. 

Why can’t he see?   
Why is it so blurry?  
Why is he so dizzy?  
Shit.

He’s going to pass out. Someone’s going to find him and Ben’s going to be disappointed in him and the numbness that made him not care about anything is gone. Shit.  
He tries to clean up his thighs, hide the blade but he could barely move.  
It hurts so much.   
He’s falling deeper into unconsciousness and can’t find the will to climb back up again. 

Maybe he’s dying. 

He just wants to sleep.  
Forever?   
Shut up.

Well if he did die, maybe god would be nice this time around.   
He’s too tired to fight it so he just lets his head hang back onto the cold surface of the bathtub, letting the darkness take him.

Oh well.  
Guess those 3 weeks were for nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I hope you liked the chapter because I don’t. Thanks for reading and yeah this has no dialogue sorry but I wanted this chapter to be a private trail of thought type thing, especially before this whole big reveal thing might take place. But also I have the element of surprise always so don’t assume anything about next chapter. See ya guys next time :)


	9. Failed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi I hate this but the story’s gonna end soon and I made yall hate the hargreeves a bit and I’m dead inside so yeah I wrote this. Also I wanted to say thank you for reading this story and for all your support, I really appreciate it. As always check beginning notes for trigger warnings and stay safe :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Trigger warnings, self harm references⚠️  
> It’s only a short filler chapter but it gets me to where I need to be to end the story soon.

It took him three weeks to figure it out. Three weeks of working the program with Klaus and having long talks and room searches to finally see.

Klaus probably didn’t want to stop.  
It was the only thought running miles through Ben’s mind. All he could think about, was maybe he should check on his brother. Just to be safe.

So here he was, lying in his bedroom while staring at one tiny crack in his ceiling, overthinking everything from the last few weeks. It’s been so hectic he’s barely had time to process everything. Everything that’s going wrong. 

Allison and Vanya had a stupid fight, Diego’s been stir-crazy about not having his knives on him around the academy, Five’s suspicious and won’t stop pestering him about Klaus, Klaus feels like he’s miles away from him and Ben...

Ben was scared.  
Of course he was, his brother relapsed and he hadn’t been there.  
Hadn’t been there to help him through it, he hadn’t even known he was cutting again. He had failed him.

He knew something was off with Klaus but every time he’d ask him, he’d act like he did in front of the others, making dark jokes and faking smiles. But the past few weeks he’s been pretty okay in front of him.  
Right?

Wait, a thought got stuck in the back of his mind, he was acting how he did in front of the others with  
Him?

Klaus didn’t do that, no never. They’ve always been close, in life and death and everything in between, always. There was barely any distance between them for several years and suddenly Klaus is disconnecting them. Severing ties between them, loosening their bond, staying away.

He’s been distant.

How could he not have seen this? How did he not know? He should have known better. Of course this would happen, god he was so stupid. 

Well at least he knows now. They’ve even been talking about it, they’ve talked for hours and hours and it still feels unresolved, like a camera that’s just a little out of focus.  
It doesn’t make sense.

Nothing does, not what Klaus keeps telling him. It’s all smiles and I’ll work with you and sure I’ll give up my only coping mechanism. No this doesn’t make sense.

Klaus doesn’t just quit his addictions like that and sure maybe he could give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe if he wished hard enough, he could believe that Klaus wanted to get clean. That he was completely dandy with Ben checking his arms and his blades all leaving the building and how curious Five’s been but.

But...

But Ben just can’t believe that. 

He’s so trapped in his own mind, he doesn’t register the bathroom door being pounded on like it’s Diego’s punching bag or the sound of metal being broken beyond repair.  
What he does finally manage to hear is the piercing scream that fills his mind.  
It’s five.

“KLAUS! SOMEONE HELP! PLEASE!”

His heart drops in his chest so loud he can hear the blood pumping around his body, faster than ever before. The horrors scream out for him, trying desperately to claw their way free from his body. The body that moves at what feels like the speed of light as his feet carry him around. He doesn’t know how he’s even moving. 

What?

No.   
Not again.  
This can’t happen.  
Not again.  
It can’t be like last time.  
Klaus.  
He can’t have failed again.

Five’s voice is desperate and panicked, it’s something he’s never heard before and now he’ll never stop hearing it. It rings through his ears until he reaches the dismantled door.

Klaus.

He failed. He failed his brother, he should have been here. He should have done something. He failed him again.

He failed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thanks for reading. Ngl I hate this chapter but it’s a filler one because the next one is an absolute monster of a chapter so here ya go. Hope yall enjoyed and I’ll see ya next time  
> Peace :)


	10. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to get this up. Shit has been crazy recently but I’m trying to get back into writing so I’m sorry if this turns out to be complete trash but like hope you enjoy it. Check beginning notes for TW, stay safe :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW ⚠️ Self harm references, descriptions of blood, not too gory but just to be safe, also some references to anxiety, depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts ⚠️ Yikes that sounds bad, please stay safe and if you feel your life is affected by any of the issues in this fic then please seek help or talk to someone.

“Klaus we talked about this.”

The only sound is a small beep from the hospital monitors that Klaus hates so much. Everything else is just white noise.  
Silence.

“Please say something” Ben pleaded, shooting Klaus a desperate look, which he avoids by not looking at him. 

You are such a fuck up. 

“I’m sorry.” He says, tone devoid of any emotion, an all-consuming sound of emptiness falling from his lips.

Empty.  
He can’t feel shit.

“Don’t be sorry, I’m the one that should be sorry, I should have been here to help you!”   
Klaus is tired of having this conversation, telling Ben he isn’t to blame for whatever he gets himself into. This is slightly different in Ben’s eyes but in Klaus’s it’s the same story as always.

Same routine.  
Six steps.

1) He gets himself in trouble.  
2) Ben looks disappointed.  
3) Klaus feels either the bad type of numb or feels everything too deeply.  
4) Klaus gets high.  
5) Klaus doesn’t give a fuck about anything.  
6) He gets himself in trouble again.

And the vicious cycle they’ve worked themselves into, continues.

On repeat.  
Constantly.  
Never ending.  
It just doesn’t stop.

Fuck he wants drugs right now.  
He craves the two seconds of nothingness where the anguish in the world goes quiet and he’s surrounded by a colourful disarray of peaceful chaos. 

It feels safe.  
So did the cutting.

This wasn’t meant to happen, Klaus just needed something to take the edge off. The ghosts were getting louder and he was coming off a high and he can’t remember the last time he slept without the nightmares keeping him hostage. So when Klaus had gone to the bathroom, well Ben hadn’t thought much of it. But when he hadn’t come out after 20 minutes, Ben had walked through the wall of the bathroom to check that his brother hadn’t choked on his own vomit. What he hadn’t been expecting was to see his brother passed out in a pile of crimson, bleeding out on a bathroom floor with a blade gripped loosely in his blood stained hand.

So much blood.  
He couldn’t call someone.  
He was a ghost.  
He couldn’t help his brother.

Klaus.

“Ben, it’s not your fault, you didn’t kno-“ 

“But I should have known, I should have asked, helped somehow. You’re my brother, my best friend, I know you better than anyone else, I should have known!” Ben exploded in a fit of frustration, self blame flying in every direction towards him and Klaus couldn’t listen to it anymore.

You caused him pain.   
He’d be better off without you.   
He stays out of pity for your pathetic ass.  
Now he’s in pain.

Your fault.

“Ben, you didn’t know because I didn’t want you to know. I promise you, you aren’t to blame for this bullshit so just flash me your signature Benny boy smile.” He says dramatically, kicking his legs off the side of the hospital cot for dramatic flare. “It’s been a while since I’ve felt genuine disgust looking at those pearly whites.” He fights the numbness off with a blinding fake smile and that’s that.

Smiling.  
Lying.  
Numb.

So goddamn numb.

“Klaus, please talk to me.”

A loud sigh rings out in the silence.

“We are talking right now Benji, it’s called a conversation.” Klaus meant to sound sarcastic but all he hears is pure exhaustion as his words drag on.  
He’s tired.  
He’s always fucking tired.

“No I mean like, talk to me. Like really talk, don’t just spout your usual jokey bullshit and pretend to be completely okay like you always do.” 

Klaus isn’t sure what’s louder.  
The sound of his heartbeat when someone notices his defences or the continuous pacing from his brother.

No, it’s the ghosts.  
God, he needs a hit or a cut or whatever the fuck will stop the voices that claw through him like caged animals.

Help.  
Please help me.  
You can’t help anyone.  
Tell my sister I love her.  
They don’t give a shit about you.  
They drowned me.  
Help me please.  
Just some useless junkie.  
Let me out.  
Help.  
You’re better off dead.

It doesn’t end and it doesn’t stop and Klaus is tired. 

So fucking tired. 

“I don’t recall ever doing that, maybe give me a timeframe for your little observation there mi hermano.” Christ this was gonna be harder than Ben originally planned.

He still doesn’t know why.

He needs to know why.  
Needs to help him somehow.  
Needs to know he won’t have to feel so helpless again, screaming over his brothers unconscious body with no one to hear him.  
Needs to know that Klaus is safe from himself because he can’t stop reliving it, as he tries with everything he has to hold onto him and stop the bleeding because there’s so much blood.  
Why won’t he just talk to him?  
He’s his best friend, his brother.

And yet he didn’t fucking notice he was in pain.

He sighs when he realises that Klaus knows what he’s doing. He’s avoiding, he won’t be answering any questions.  
He never really does.  
For someone who talks a lot, Klaus never really says anything.

The guilt settles like poison in his chest and he can feel it dripping it’s way into his heavy heart, a constant reminder of his own naivety.

He didn’t notice.

And now his 23-year-old brother was sitting in a hospital bed after being found by a stranger on the bathroom floor of a rundown 7/11. Klaus’s hands move nervously over his tattoos, the ones he got in an act of defiance at the age of 17 as he waits to be discharged by the doctor, who was insistent on finding an emergency contact where there wasn’t one.   
Klaus had cleared all contact information, he doubts anyone would show up anyway.  
He hasn’t talked to any of his siblings since he left.

He’s seen Diego strolling around in his godawful batman costume, but he usually hides or runs away before he can see him.  
He supposes that’s what he’s been doing all his life, running.

Ben sees the way his shoulders sag with exhaustion, Ben may not be able to get his brother to talk but he hopes he’ll be enough to make him feel better. After all he knows what Klaus looks like before a depressive episode. Klaus lays back down, artificial smile fading from existence as he stares at the ceiling.

So Ben sits. 

“What do you need?”

He already kinda knows, he’s done this before.

“Can you just talk about something else for a while?”

Ben talks.  
He fills the silence of a hospital room to try and talk some sense into his brother, to get him to open up.   
Klaus never really has.  
Even after extra training, when the haunted look of emptiness invaded his brothers eyes, Klaus wouldn’t tell him. 

He’s been a ghost for a few years and still has yet to figure out what Reginald did that haunted him so much.  
The nightmares lack context other than the desperate shouts of “dad let me out! Please!” And he doesn’t know if Klaus will ever tell him anything.

Eventually Ben makes him promise to talk to him about it another day, he doubts he’ll go through with it but it’s something.  
Klaus is quiet.  
Klaus is numb.

Ben talks.   
He talks about meaningless things that Klaus doesn’t have the capacity to give a shit about. Shares plot lines from comic books he read as a child. Chatters endlessly about visiting Vanya’s violin rehearsals from beyond the grave with no response from his brother.

It helps.   
If he’s being honest, having Ben here talking about nothing makes him feel slightly better.   
He still doesn’t have the energy to do jack shit but at least listening to his brothers anecdotes about his ghostly adventures, gives his mind something to focus on without draining him of all brain capacity.

Ben’s mind is still heavy with questions and concerns.  
Klaus’s brain is still trying to play catch up with the world around him.

And sure, Ben would rather Klaus got help and maybe talked to the siblings that are alive but just for a second, it resembles something that’s okay. Just knowing his brother is not dead helps ease his mind a little and he just hopes he can do the same for Klaus.

Klaus wakes up to doctors whispering about psych wards.   
Klaus sneaks out of the hospital two days later.   
They don’t mention it out loud again but Klaus remembers them for years to come.

Remembers how his brother talked for hours until he fell asleep and assured him he wasn’t alone in the morning.   
Because he wasn’t alone then.  
He never was. 

But right now, he was many things, including awake.

He was awake.

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO IM BACK, sorry for leaving y’all but like shit happens. I know it’s a little ooc or like pretty off but I’m trying to get back into writing right now so it may be shitty for a little while. Hope you’re enjoying the story so far and Ill see ya next time :)


	11. Infirmary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey bitches I’m back, sorry Ive been gone for so long. I took a break from writing and then I meant to get back to it and then barely got out of bed for a week so there’s that. As always check starting notes for trigger warning and stay safe my lovelies 💕

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW ⚠️❌ for self harm references, general anxiety, a bit of suicidal ideation and just overall very depressing shit basically. Please stay safe and don’t read if you could be triggered by any of these things. Other than that, hope you enjoy the new chapter.

Klaus woke to the overwhelming stench of antiseptic and fluorescent lights burning his corneas. As his eyes fluttered open, crust sticking to eyelashes as he blinked, he registered where he was.  
The umbrella academy’s infirmary.  
Shit.  
Shit.   
Shit. 

Maybe it was the decades of drug abuse or the realisation of where he currently was to blame but whatever it was it caused his entire brain to short-circuit. And for the first time in his sobriety, the world went quiet. The world was quiet and still and Klaus couldn’t breathe.   
There’s no air left.   
He’s dying.   
He’s gonna die just like Dave died.  
Dave died.  
He’s gonna die alone.   
Except. 

He wasn’t alone.   
Because lo and behold, darted around the room was his entire fucking family, all talking to each other quietly as they waited.  
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Maybe he could pretend to be asleep until they all left and then he could quickly grab his clothe-  
Wait where’s his clothes?  
He peered down slightly to find a god awful hospital gown clinging to his skin. A hospital gown that he thinks is probably the biggest crime against fashion in the history of ever.

Well shit, there goes that plan.

He closed his eyes slowly again, trying not to hyperventilate. His arms were on display, silver scars highlighted in the infirmary lights. Klaus himself is no stranger to feeling exposed but this level of exposure makes his lungs tighten and his breathing come out shaky.  
He hates it.   
He tries to be positive about how his thighs are covered in bandages and blue blankets so his siblings can't see all the damage he’s done today.  
He tries.   
He fails. 

He supposes that's all he’ll ever do, history repeating itself like a loop of trying and failing.   
It never ends.   
He fucks up.   
He fucked up again.   
And now, well now they all know.  
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  
They all know. 

They weren’t supposed to find out.

“Klaus?” It was Ben.  
Always was Ben.  
His brother who never left his side and was always there.

If you asked him about coping in Vietnam, well he’d probably ask you how you found out when half his siblings don’t know. But what he’d mean is that he didn’t. He missed him every second of every day. He couldn’t really cope alone without his ghosty companion there with him and that sucked, especially when all the other ghosts in Vietnam reminded him that Ben wasn’t there with every scream of anguish.

He missed his brother while he was away.   
But Dave made it better.  
Dave.   
Pure, beautiful, loving Dave.  
The only person he’s ever truly been in love with.   
One of the only two people he felt truly cared. 

Dave and Ben. The only two people he felt gave a shit.  
Now Dave was dead and Ben was alive.

It was a turn of events and like most turn of events in his life, it was fucking painful.  
There wasn’t a way to describe the overwhelming feeling of loss and grief in his heart every time he felt dog tags clang against his shirt.   
Dave was the colour in his life and without him, it was as if god her bitchy self was turning his world to grey scale. 

“You awake there buddy?” Ben spoke softly, clutching his brother's hand, as he saw his brothers eyes open slightly. Everyone in the room looked towards the pair, shoulders tense with anticipation and nervousness. Even five, the most nonchalant and collected of the group was holding his breath.

“m sorry Ben.” Klaus croaked out, voice so quiet it was almost like he had never said anything at all. 

Silence.

And then.  
Arms wrapped around him, holding him gently in what has to be the first hug he’s had in months. First hug he’s had since Dave.   
Then his brother started speaking again. 

“Don’t be.” Klaus sighed at his brother’s words, closing his eyes slowly and leaning into the hug as his brother holds him. “I’m just glad you’re okay.” Ben breathes out, tension disappearing from his shoulders.

Unfortunately, in their haste to reunite after Klaus’s adventure in the state of unconsciousness, they forgot they weren’t the only two people in the room. A forced coughing sound rang through Klaus’s ears as his attention turned back to this mess of a situation.

“Sorry to break up the moment but...” Allison spoke, nervousness clear in her voice as it becomes clear that she had no ending for that sentence. She has no idea what to say.  
Well shit.

“Well this is mortifying” The séance spoke in his quietest voice as not to alert the others that he heard them.

“I tried to tell them not t-“

“Ben we both know our siblings are stubborn as hell, but I appreciate the efforts.” Klaus mumbled, just loud enough for Ben to hear as they separated from the hug, Klaus patting his brother on the back as he sat back.

“So can we uh talk about the ummm, uh, can we talk uh-“

“What Vanya means to say is, when do we talk about this?” Five said with absolutely zero tact, so its nice to see some things don’t change.

Deflect.   
Block.   
Run away.   
It's what you always do.   
Coward. 

“I’ll have to check my schedule, somewhere between my 5pm nap and the 32nd of February.” He chuckled nervously, avoiding his siblings eyes and choosing not to flail his already visible arms dramatically. Instead he turned his arms discreetly as he talked and cowered under his siblings stares.   
Well fuck.

They all know.   
They think you’re a freak.   
A liability.   
The useless lookout.   
Just a junkie. 

“Klaus” there’s the disappointment, he can’t see his family’s faces from where he’s avoiding them but he’s sure that if he were to look up, he’d see the same old ‘we’re disappointed in you Klaus’ look. “Can we please talk about this?”

You fucked up.  
Disappointment.  
Just the family fuck up.  
Nothing but a useless junkie.  
An addict who fucks everything up.

When did he stop breathing?

“Yeah well I have things to do, people to see and a two for one deal at Griddys that expires tomorrow, so no can do mi hermano.” He rambles so fast he can barely keep up with himself. 

Over the pounding of his own heart, he hears his siblings shifting on their feet and sniffling into clothing.   
Dave did the same thing when he had a cold, it was adorable.   
Dave.   
Klaus’s heart clenched as a fresh batch of tears swam to the surface.   
And suddenly, he’s gone. 

“Klaus, i know it’s hard for you to open up but we have to talk about this to help you better than we tried to before.” Diego’s voice spoke warmly as he tried to get attention from his brother. His voice was warm but it did nothing to help from where Klaus was frozen.   
He was so cold.   
It was always so cold and empty.   
Until Dave.   
And then, after Dave. 

“Wait you knew about this?” His siblings were still talking.   
Klaus couldn’t see the point in talking. His head was full of resurfacing memories of Dave, his warm toned voice and the sound of anguished screaming, the only things that he could hear. 

“Yeah, not for long and-“ 

“And you didn’t think to let us know?” 

Pointless.   
It doesn’t matter. 

“No of course I didn’t!”

Diego sounds incredulous. Luther’s yelling. They’re always yelling.   
It’s always so loud. 

“Why not?”

“Klaus asked me not to tell you!”

It doesn’t matter at all.   
Nothing does. 

“Guys you aren’t fucking helping right now!!”

Dave helped.   
Dave’s dead.   
You should be too.   
Things would be better if you just died.   
Coward. 

“Right what we should be doing is asking Klaus about this...”

And then he’s back.   
“Or we could not” Klaus says but it doesn’t sound like him. There’s no emotion, no punchline, no nothing. 

“Or we could” Five said determinedly as he straightens up and snaps his fingers in front of where Klaus is now sitting up.  
He doesn’t remember doing that.   
He doesn’t remember a lot of things   
“How long?” 

Oh right, siblings.   
Five.   
Five who knows about his, let’s say, habits.   
They all know.  
In his head there are two sides fighting against each other, choruses of fuck they’re going to make you quit again and nothing matters without Dave, echo through his mind. 

“Not long, I don’t know Five can you just leave me alone” He answers numbly not sounding nearly as pleading as he imagined he would given how tired he is of this bullshit. 

“Oh alright and the truth?” Five looks at his brother with a dangerous glare, as if he was staring into his very soul, searching for answers. 

“What are you on ab-“ 

“Ben already knew, some of your scars are around 10 years old and I found you in a pile of your own blood so don’t lie to me.” Five growls with a harsh bite to his voice and tears threatening to spill over as he interrupts his brother, tired of his brother’s deflecting and lying. 

Five gets it, he really does. His brother was always very closed off emotionally despite trying to fool people with his open personality. He would deflect and joke to take away from his actual problems and while not a healthy coping mechanism, it's better than throwing knives at jackasses so Five always thought of it as harmless. 

Not anymore. 

“When?” 

Five isn’t asking.   
Klaus knows this, sees his brother’s unusually red eyes from where he’s definitely gotten tearful. He decides to humour the guy if it gets him off his back, if it helps five stop crying.   
He doesn’t want his siblings to be upset, not over him.   
God he fucked up.   
And now they’re upset.   
It’s his fault they’re sad.   
It’s his fault.   
His fault.   
The guilt makes him answer more than anything else, if there even is anything else anymore.

“14.” And a hush falls over the room. “You weren’t supposed to know.”

They were never supposed to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly guys I don’t really like this chapter but I haven’t updated in ages and I missed writing so there’s this. Sorry if I’ve been horrible at this for a while, if any of you want to stop reading, complete understanding from me because like YIKES. Ill try to get better at updating but I hope you enjoyed anyway and as always I’ll see you next time whenever the hell that is.


	12. Tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys so it’s been a couple months so I’m really sorry about that. So here’s a longish chapter for ya. As always check the beginning notes for trigger warnings but other than that, happy reading. Hope ya like it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW ❌ self harm references, drug abuse references, suicidal thoughts, anxiety and just overall depressing shit. Don’t read if this could trigger or affect you in any way and stay safe my lovelies 💕

  
Klaus remembered the first time he tried drugs, it was the best and worst day of his life. He didn’t care if he got caught, didn’t care if his siblings hated him for it, he didn’t care about anything. Nothing else mattered, because for the first time in his whole life the world went quiet and his internal monologue of anxiety disappeared. His thoughts, once negative and self-depreciating, were now full of funny thoughts and childlike wonder at the good type of numb he felt.  
And after a while, as weed turned to ecstasy, then to cocaine and then heroin, Klaus didn’t care about anything else.

It was just quiet.

He misses the quiet.  
  
“Why? Why didn’t you come to us?” The sound of Vanya's voice so close to tears, almost made Klaus’s heart break. If only it hadn’t already shattered into a million pieces already.  
  
His heart’s remains are buried deep in the trenches of Vietnam with his lover.  
With Dave.   
  
Dave.  
His sweet, vulnerable, strong, loving Dave.  
His shot in the chest, dead, non corporeal Dave.  
  
Dave who he loved and who loved him in return.  
Dave whose death broke his heart beyond repair.  
  
Dave.

Stop thinking about Dave, focus.  
Dave doesn't deserve that.  
Dave deserved better.  
It’s all your fault.  
Why can't you just focus?

Vanya asked a question. He already knew the answer, he always did. It’s the same reason he never told his siblings about the drugs. Well part of it was the judgment he knew would come of it. They wouldn't understand, they all has controllable powers except for Ben. And even Ben wouldn’t really understand why.

He was addicted to the silence, of course he was, he had spent his whole life haunted by the words of ghosts and his own self sabotaging head. So when he eventually ran out of drugs one night, when the nightmares of the mausoleum and the ghosts that followed his home became too much, well Klaus turned to something else. 

Klaus could remember that first night too.  
One second it was loud and chaotic and he was panicking. And then...  
Then there was nothing.

The drugs may have quieted the voices of the ghosts, but the cutting silenced the deadliest voices of all, his own thoughts to the point where he couldn’t think of anything. Suddenly there was no noise, no thoughts, no insults.

Nothing.

It was finally silent.   
Worked almost better than drugs, if it weren’t for the fact that the silence didn’t last as long, Klaus probably would have chosen cutting over weed.

He feels that familiar itching below the surface of his skin, like it did during his drug withdrawal but now he doesn't need a blunt or a pill. He knows what he wants and he also knows that Ben will probably make it harder than before to get it.  
  
Ben, who is currently holding his hand gentle as ever to comfort him but also as a sign to look up and answer his siblings.

Klaus doesn’t want to.

He doesn’t want to witness the disappointment and anger radiating of Diego and Ben, doesn’t want to see Vanya and Allison’s guilt as they cry over not noticing, doesn’t want to hear Five and Luther’s lectures and uncaring tones about responsibility.  
  
He doesn’t want to do anything.  
But he does.  
He sits up.  
  
It was only now that he was sitting up in bed that he finally managed to perk his head up and see his sibling and meet their tear-stained faces. Klaus wasn’t used to seeing his siblings so upset, he was usually the one that made them laugh when they looked sad.

You fucked up.  
They're upset and that's your fault.  
It's all your fault.  
  
Just shut up please. 

“Well I think the answer is obvious.” 

Five’s voice broke through the silence. Klaus figures he’s had to do that a lot, what with being trapped in a post apocalyptic wasteland and what not. 

Not that he'd ever let Five know but he's kind of grateful for the little bastard answering, he can't answer his siblings without panicking and it was getting hard to breathe through the tension in the room.  
It's always so hard to breathe.  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“It’s simple Vanya, when Klaus was on drugs he never came to us to help him because he didn’t want to get clean. It’s the same thing with the cutting, isn't it brother?”  
There's no snark or arrogance in his tone this time, nor is there a smirk plastered on his lips about his intellect being superior. Instead he just looks sad and drained, it's so not Five that it hurts.

Well fuck.

Maybe Klaus should have expected his genius brother to get it right, but to be completely honest, he never thought Five would care enough to put the pieces together.  
  
It's not like anyone cared before.  
Not like they care now.  
  
Not that he blames anyone for not caring.  
I mean, he’s Klaus.  
  
He's annoying and selfish and shaking.  
When did he start shaking?  
  
“Klaus? Is that true? I thought when we talked about it...”  
  
“I don’t want to talk about this, when do I get out of this place?” Klaus spoke suddenly, voice croaky as he tries to swallow away the dry mouth, it feels like cotton wool. He tries not to think about it. Tries not to think about a lot of things nowadays.

Maybe he shouldn't have cut off Diego's concerned tone so sharply but this wasn't exactly a topic he cares to discuss with his siblings.  
  
Not that they care about that.  
Not that they care about anything he thinks.

As they shouldn't, stop being so pathetic.  
Can you not stop feeling sorry for yourself for a second?  
No wonder they all hate you.  
No they don't.  
Of course they do.  
  
He can't breathe again. His chest hurts.

“Klaus, you almost died”

It's all too loud.  
It's too much.  
You're not enough.

“It’s fine Vanya.”  
It's not.   
He knows that.   
He knows he made her cry.   
Ididntmeantoscrewitallupimsorryvanyapleasedontcryoverme

“We’ve all got our vices.” Klaus says almost like a joke, something alike normalcy as he lies to himself about being fine. 

“None as unhealthy as yours though” 

Diego raises his eyebrows and yeah he has a point, Klaus knows he does but god this emotional turmoil is making him think too much and it’s worse than dying at this point. And he knows that because he has died before, it’s a lot more peaceful than his brain right now. 

“Really, cause Allison smokes likes a chimney, Five has a drink every time the apocalypse gets mentioned and Luther has anger issues up the wazoo.”   
Maybe it’s a cheap shot but it’s the only one he’s got left and he’s desperate. All that’s left is to get defensive and currently there’s panic bubbling at the surface, making it painful to breathe.

You caused them pain.   
They’re upset because of you.   
You useless junkie.   
They’d be better off without you. 

“Those are not the same thing and you know it” Allison doesn’t sound as angry as he wanted, he wanted them to be mad at him, it’s what he deserves. Instead there’s a monotone sadness at the tip of her tongue as she speaks and Klaus hates it. 

And he hates himself. 

He hates everything. 

“Oh like you guys get to judge me” 

“We’re not judging you Klaus, we’re just trying to understand and help you.” Vanya says quieter than Klaus has ever heard her speak. “This is not a healthy way of dealing with your shit.” 

“The hargreeves family mantra.”

Silence.  
He’s so tired.   
It’s so hard to breathe.   
  
“Listen guys, I know you want an explanation but i’m really tired so if we could do this another day." He has to get them out even if he has to lie to do it. Klaus used to think his superpower was making his siblings laugh, right now he thinks it’s his ability to pretend he isn’t on the verge of an anxiety attack.  
  
"Promise you won’t run away from this?"  
Luther asks and while Klaus knows that his idiot brother just wants some answers, all he can hear is "like you run away from everything in life"

Coward.

His breathing picked up again, Ben looks concerned.  
You worried Ben.  
You're so selfish.  
Can you ever just turn off that little voice in your head that calls out for you to be the centre of attention?

I'm so sorry, he thinks, he doesn't say it. It would just guilt Ben into saying that it's okay because Ben is too kind. Ben is too forgiving.

Fuckfuckfuckimsosorrybenyoudeservebetterimsorryimaburden

"Promise." He's lying, but what else can he do. His siblings are staring at him like some broken baby bird they rescued out of pity. The mascara stains on Allison's face, the blood still somehow caked on Five's clenched fists, the fresh scuff marks on Diego's shoes from pacing. All signs of their distress that Klaus just can't take anymore.

You caused them pain and you won't even explain things to them.  
Pathetic.

He really wants a blade right now. 

"Okay we'll let you get some rest, come on guys." Allison pipes up, voice croaking as she holds onto Vanya's shoulders and leads the rest of the siblings out of the room. Klaus's heart clenches with every sniffle he hears coming from his sisters, and it cracks just that tiny bit more with every quiet word of comfort and farewell.

Everyone's gone but Ben now.

Ben.

Ben breathes out a sigh and runs his hand through his hair, it’s usually slicked back with an annoying amount of hair product, but now it’s in a wild state of disarray. He doesn't think about it for a single moment, Klaus does.

Thinks about how what he did affected Ben, and Five and everyone.  
He didn't want to hurt anyone.  
He didn’t mean to.  
imsorrybenandfiveyouvegonethroughsomuchimsosorryimlikethisididntmeantomakevanyacryimsorry  
  
Ben moves to sit closer to his brother in the silence of the infirmary, eyes glued to the floor in sorrow before he clears his throat and speaks.

"Hey, look at me."

Klaus does, he owes him that much.

"We'll get through this okay, now you don't have to explain right now. We'll talk when you're ready. I'm sorry Klaus, I pushed you to give this up and then you didn't think you could talk to m-"

"Ben don't apologise, none of this is on you. I'm sorry, I should have done better. I'm sorry I was so weak."

Ben looks into Klaus's glassy green e  
yes and has to fight the urge to sob. He knows that Klaus has the tendency to be mean to himself, he doesn't ever show it, but Ben knows. And Ben can never seem to find a way to fix that for him, one of his biggest wishes in his life and his death.   
But what he can do, is what he's always done for Klaus and Klaus for him.

Arms reach arms and Klaus feels more cared for than he has since Dave. Bentacles always gave the best hugs when they were kids, when the nightmares were too much or the world was too loud.

“Now I need you to hear me, you are not weak Klaus hargreeves. You are not a burden to me, never. You're my brother and I love you, okay?"  
  
It's like Ben is a mind reader sometimes.  
  
"Okay Benny boy. Love you too."  
Ben hears him sniffling, as much as his brother would desperately deny it. He'll tease him next time because it's what they've always done but right now, all he can focus on is the rise and fall of Klaus's chest. He's alive, not okay but by god if Ben isn't going to do all he can to help him get there. He hears Klaus whisper something under his breath about not deserving such a good brother and lets some tears fall.

"C'mon get some rest ya human ouji board." Ben speaks, trying to gain some sort of normalcy back.

As they pull apart, Ben makes it very clear that he's going to stay in the infirmary until Klaus falls asleep, his brother's never been good in a hospital setting.   
So Klaus lies down and tries to sleep, and yes the anxious weight on his chest isn't any lighter but he finds it easier to breathe after Ben's lies. Maybe one day he'll believe them, but for now all he needs is to hear them because it proves his brother's still there.

The deathly duo is still alive and kicking and Klaus for the first time in a while smiles at the irony of it all.

He'll have to go into more detail with his siblings later but for the first time, the itch has faded with no future scars on his skin. And finally, he settles into a restless sleep.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys so I’ve been gone for a while, I’ll try to post more now that I’m writing again. Thank you guys so much for all the kind feedback on this fic and I really hope you liked this chapter. See ya round


	13. Blip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys been a while, I kinda just wanted to say thank you real quick for all the feedback and thanks to those of you who are liking this fic so far, I really do appreciate all of you who took the time to read my bullshit, yall keep the fic going tbh. As always remember to check beginning notes for trigger warnings and hope you enjoy the new way too long chapter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for self harm, self harm references, suicidal thoughts, intrusive thoughts, and just generally a fuck ton of angst. Please don't read if it could hurt you and stay safe lovelies

Sometimes Klaus wishes he were dead, that's nothing new when you grow up surrounded by rotting corpses and the even deadlier Reginald Hargreeves. He figures that it kinda runs in the family or at least he hopes it does. Because if he were to actually speak those words into existence, he'd have to admit that it probably isn't normal to speak about taking your life, like it's nothing new. But he doesn't want to think about that now, or ever.  
Right now he's sat on a bench swinging his legs 10 feet away from Ben's broken statue, though he supposes it's better a broken statue than the broken bones of his brother's body. Ben never liked that statue anyway, the amount of jokes they've made about it over the past few years comfort him slightly.   
Yawns of fatigue cut through the noisiness of the wind and he thinks Ben might just kill him if he found him out here. He did promise he'd at least try to sleep when he got out of the infirmary, he also promised he'd cut back on the smoking. Promises he never really intended to keep. And that's not even talking about his new-found ashtray, because that's the biggest promise he's broken lately and Ben doesn't need to know.

Ben would worry  
Guess I'll have to be more careful this time

His fourth cigarette, that his siblings would probably find every bit more repugnant smelling than the dead, is still burning bright like wildfire in his HELLO hand when he hears the door of the academy creak open. Maybe he's just going insane.   
No, I probably went crazy a while back and there's definitely someone walking towards me  
He isn't sure if the slight chill on his skin is from the cold or the remains of his latest ptsd episode. Not that he'll even acknowledge that. 

It doesn't matter

"Y'know you can't really sneak up on someone with the sixth sense, can ya van van?"

He hears her freeze or maybe it's just the cold, Klaus barely feels that anymore.  
How fucking ironic, he thinks to himself as he stares at the friendly dark and less than friendly corpses that take up too much space to stay sane.

"And here I thought I would make a good ninja." It was good to hear Vanya joke, he's missed that in the past couple days, her small smiles replaced by lines of worry.

It's all his fault  
They shouldn't have known  
I'm sorry I didn't mean to fuck it all up

"I reckon the FBI would still be lucky to have you on their team." He says, grinning while he speaks over a chorus of crunching leaves that sound just a little too similar to landmines for his liking. Avoiding everything like the bubonic plague, he doesn't look back when Vanya stalks towards him, preferring not to look at the academy in the night.   
Too many memories  
Too many ghosts  
Too many reminders of the death that follows him everywhere he goes, that takes away everyone he's ever cared about  
It's all his fault

His skin itches violently for the fifth time today (only the 2nd one he's managed to ignore) and he knows it isn't for drugs. This is specific, he knows what this is, knows it doesn't just stop even after giving in. He won't call it by its name, wow that really was a beautiful film.

Just one cut  
He could always steal Five's pencil sharpener  
Luther stores refills for his razor in his old shower caddy  
Fucking hell, you're pathetic

"Well I don't know about that." Vanya was always so quiet that knowing whether she was there or not was impossible, it's a sad realisation. Klaus was always so loud, that hearing the quiet from him brought others only relief, He's not sure what's worse.

But now sitting here with his baby sister, all he can do is appreciate the sound she brings now, the light in her step and eyes and whole existence. It's quite an unnoticeable change if you didn't know her but she's finally living how she wants to, how she should have all along. Klaus just stews in uncomfortable quiet and waits for the interrogation from his sister to start and she just she sits completely unaware of how Klaus' heart has started racing with anxiety because she's going to try to talk to him.

She's going to make some big speech about how what he's doing is wrong and try to make him stop  
She's going to hate him and be disappointed  
She's going to take it all away from him and he needs this

If Klaus happens to pull his sleeve slightly further down his burned wrists, well, no one can prove jack.  
And because they're hargreeves and they're dysfunctional and have never been ones for initiating difficult conversations, the two siblings just sit quietly on a lonely bench as old as time and stare out at the darkness of the courtyard. There's a soft glow from street lights outside the academy, the same ones Klaus used to stare at for hours wondering if that light could make him whole. As if leaving the academy grounds would finally make him happy. He's been wrong about a lot of things. 

The next thing Klaus notices is that the stars don't look as beautiful sober, even less so without Dave.   
Dave made him whole.  
Dave made the stars shine bright even when he was sober.  
Dave was more beautiful than any star could ever long to be.  
But Dave is dead so he guesses the lights and the stars might just have to do for the rest of his fucking life. 

Hopefully it isn't a long life then  
Just end it  
They'd be so much happier without you  
Jesus christ you're so fucked up  
You're fine asshole  
Please shut up, jesus I want cocaine  
Stop being such a pathetic drama queen

"So how are you doing?" His younger sister asks softly and it sounds genuine until he remembers that he's Klaus. 

No one cared that he was tortured, why would they care now?  
It's not like they have a reason to care anyway, he's Klaus  
KLAUS!KLAUS!  
The stupid worthless junkie burden  
Shut up, please just stop it   
Why do you have to fuck everything up?  
Can't even have a normal conversation without internally freaking out

"I'm doing just dandy, lil V, how have you been?" 

She chooses to ignore the shakiness of his voice, how he doesn't tremble with just a thin long sleeve shirt on because he's always been stone cold regardless of the weather. Powers took away the warmth and light from him as a kid and he's been stuck in the bitter ice ever since. 

"I'm doing okay." 

Looking at him with her usual saddened face, cheeks reddened by the wind nipping at her face, her eyes seem hopeful like he's about to spill his guts, because c'mon Vanya we both know why you're really here. She hasn't stopped giving him that look since she found out and it's now a rare occurrence that he sees Vanya's eyes completely devoid of tears. So instead of pointlessly asking what she wants, he just continues to smoke his cancer stick until his lungs are full of grey.

"I'd offer you a drag but promoting smoking has never been my forte." He says with an exhale, watching his sister wrinkle her nose at the stench of nicotine. She hates the smoking, he knows that, resents himself for that but he's also a nihilist so it's harder to let his brain care about it through the only chemicals he's allowed to consume these days. 

"Well I appreciate your consideration for ethics and don't worry, I'm not a snitch and I know you promised Ben you'd cut back."

Yet another promise he's broken  
You're making her lie for you, you asshole  
You're ruining her just like you ruin everything  
Poison  
Toxic  
Burden  
Imsofuckingvanyabeneveryonegodisoundfuckingpatheticyoudeservebetterthanme

"Yeah well, shit happens." He mutters out like a silent confession to the night sky, to his sister, to himself. It's almost like admitting he isn't okay and he's only ever done that with Dave, only after he changed the subject with jokes one too many times and his lover decided to call him on it. 

"Care to elaborate?" 

Well you saying elaborate makes me think of the torture nobody gave a shit about but I don't blame any of you for that, I mean hey, I probably wouldn't notice I was missing either but it's fine. And well the dead aren't exactly great company when sober and Dave isn't showing up and I just had a panic attack because I stepped on a fucking eyeliner pencil. And I can usually lessen that anxious tension in my chest easily but Ben took away my razors and you're all watching me like I'm a shattered window about to cave in and it's really hard to fucking breathe all the time.

They don't understand  
They don't care  
KLAUS!  
Just shut the fuck up  
He knows how to shut them up  
Knows where the bandages are kept  
You're just a burden to them  
A liability  
A junkie  
KLAUS!  
It is all you will ever be  
Maybe if you were better, Dave would still be alive

"Nah thanks van, unless you have something to talk about?" 

Red-rimmed green eyes, inprisoned in smudged mascara, finally turn to look at her; like really look at her and Klaus thinks that maybe, just maybe, they can have a normal conversation where he doesn't fuck everything up for once. But as he stares into the hazel, he watches her gaze swoop down to look at his left arm, and the panic sets in. Black sleeves come further down over his burns and scars as if he's trying to pull the wool over her eyes but it's too late she's already seen even if she isn't saying anything right now.   
Maybe she didn't see  
Or she did  
Fuckfuckfuckfuck  
KLAUS!  
She's disgusted  
Or disappointed  
Or just sad  
Why would she be sad? its you  
KLAUS!  
Shut up please im begging you  
You're nothing but a waste of space  
You're my greatest disappointment number four  
Useless junkie

"Why is your bandage slipping out your sleeve?" It wasn't a question and now Klaus knows that, even if he had to listen to the dead nannies wailing for the peace he can't give to them, he definitely preferred her silence.

She's giving him the chance to be honest with her.  
He doesn't take it.

"Hargreeves luck, I snagged it on the bran-" 

"So nothing to do with the cigarettes on the floor."

Klaus thought his heart couldn't drop any further but apparently he was wrong. Klaus also thinks that maybe lying is just second nature to him now and he thinks about the time Ben told him in the early haze of drug abuse and relapse that lying comes hand in hand with addiction. 

But this isn't drugs   
It's not the same  
This isn't nearly as dangerous as heroine  
I'm not hurting anyone  
I can stop anytime I want to  
Don't look at me like that Ben

He'd love to deny all possibility that the- that this is a problem for him but that's hard to do when Vanya is looking at him like he's about to fall apart. So he makes a point of avoiding her sad doe eyes, huddles inwards, and sniffles as he pulls his arms out of sight and chooses to stare at the dimming stars instead. Stars resembling disco lights hang over his head and his heart sinks deeper into his chest and he doesn't know how it hasn't yet reached the center of the Earth at this point.

"You should definitely work for the FBI." The choked laughter falls flat but it makes him feel slightly more hidden, It's the way he's always been, hiding under a guise of humour and false confidence that only the love of his life has ever been able to see through.  
His heart drops more along with his gaze, as if staring intently at the cracked mausoleum-like cobblestone beneath his hovering toes could make him disappear.

Disappearing sounds pretty nice

No having to deal with the screams of the dead or the tightness in his chest or the memories or his siblings' disappointment or Ben's distrust or looking out into the bleak night sky and wondering how many ways he could die if he left the academy because he does not want to be stuck roaming those haunted halls after death.

No one says anything.  
And yet it's anything but quiet.  
The latest cigarette burn didn't last as long as cutting or drugs would but at this point he doesn't care because just for a fraction of a second, the world was silent and Klaus could finally just breathe.

"You know I just want you to get better, right?"

Don't think I want to though  
It's not even a problem  
Everybody has their actual problems to deal with  
God stop making it all about you  
Such an attention seeking asshole

"I know."

"You know I have to tell ben right?"

With a deep sigh resounding through the courtyard, the séance speaks through gritted teeth "So much for not snitching then."

Vanya shuffles in her seat, staring at the ground and nervously biting her bottom lip before settling on her answer. "It's not the same thing, and besides I thought you wanted Ben's help." 

I didn't  
I lied  
I'm a good for nothing liar  
Klaus is a liar and a thief, and the only clear example that comes to mind is the stolen kisses he and Dave would share under the stars, the secret stolen moments that not even the small drips of rain or absence of safety could ruin for them. Not a single fear of getting caught and beaten within an inch of his life because at least he'd have the memory of Dave's gentle breath, smelling of bitter coffee, against his pale skin when he died.   
But now Dave is dead and the fear is constant and crushing and Klaus can only steal glances of his sister's worried frown and when he sees Vanya's hands fidgeting in her lap, he realises that she's been reduced to this nervousness because of him. Guilt settles in his chest and it feels heavier than the weights Luther used to lift.

This is his fault  
You're just not good enough  
Lookout  
You couldn't even save Dave  
You only fuck everything up for your siblings  
They deserve better

Vanya's eyes are chasing his in a desperate plea because does he not want help? And as his face contorts into something pained and guilt ridden, as he turns his greasy head away and a painful silence resumes once again between emotionally stunted siblings, she thinks she has her answer.

"Benny boy wants to help, regardless of my opinion on the subject thanks very much."

He doesn't deserve Ben  
Doesn't deserve any of his siblings  
They're just trying to help him  
Trying to make sure he doesn't ruin everything again  
You're too much  
Always such a burden and a disappointment and   
imsorrybenikeepfuckingeverythingupandwowimbeingsopatheticrightnowyouallhaverealproblemsandimbeinganattentionwhoreasalways

"Feel free to not answer this if you don't want to but, why?" 

It's only a whisper and god does he try to ignore his lungs seizing at just how fragile her voice sounds, like a sob is about to tear through her throat; he knows because it's how he sounded before the truth registered in him that Dave was gone. He can't ever forget about it, the sobs similar to a wounded animal pouring out of him, the sounds of blood bubbling in his lover's throat as Dave tries and fails to reassure him that iloveyouklausitsokayillfindyouagainipromise; it's all etched into his brain for the rest of his life.

Why are you even still here?  
They'd be better off without you  
KLAUS!  
Vanya looks like she's about to cry  
You made her sad  
You fucked up  
Focus for once Klaus

She's asking why he does what he does, but the thing is. No one ever really asked that before, with the drugs, with the booze, with anything. 

"How long did they give you?" He turns his head so he's looking at her now, piercing green eyes glaring into hers. It's not accusatory, just curious. She looks dumbfounded, it's a weird look on her but maybe it's the lack of a clear memory fucking with his now sober brain.

"Wha-"

"I may have lost my marbles but I'm not that stupid Vanya, the others sent you out here, probably knew I couldn't resist that endearing little face of yours."

"I volunteered." Klaus just laughs and lets his last puff of smoke mix with the chilled air. Then he puts his cigarette out, making a point to put it out on the bench instead of his arm, no matter how much he so desperately wants to, and lets his bare feet touch the chill of concrete; only doing so because it lets him stand up and look away from his violinist sister and instead gaze to the dirt. But the soil reminds him too much of the rubble and trenches, of blood and despair, of gunfire and grief.   
nonononopleasepleasestaywithmedavenodontgoineedyouiloveyounonodavestayawakepleasestaywithme  
There's ashy rubble on his tongue, and like the blood constantly staining his hands, it's never going away.

"We all just want you to be okay, you know that yeah?"

He knows.

He hate himself for it.

He still won't look at her.

They shouldn't worry about me  
I'm just being stupid  
Silly, funny dumb Klaus who fucks everything up and brings only death in his wake  
Everyonewhocaresaboutmediesdotheynotgetthatimtryingtoprotectthemfrommyjunkieass

"Are you going to tell Ben?"   
And out of the corner of his eyes he sees Vanya looking so sure of herself, Klaus would be proud if he didn't already know what that meant.

How good would it feel to press one more cigarette butt to his wrist or even better watch blood spread through silver metal  
His silver hero, a lifesaver, a lifeline  
They're going to take it all away from him  
He should have hidden it better   
What's there to hide? He's fine

"You know I wouldn't if I didn't think it would help you."

I won't be allowed a fucking smoke when I want one  
He took the blades of course he'd take this too  
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

"Vanya this is nothing, okay it's a small blip." It sounds like a lie as he stutters through it, jaw clenched as not to let the desperation seep in. The idea of Ben not trusting him with this after only just gaining it back makes his throat close, makes him choke more than when Luther got frustrated and hammered. There's no resentment or bitterness in the thought, just the realisation that he cares more, about what Ben thinks about him, than he thought he would. His brother, always there for him, only ever asking for him to stop being so fucking self-destructive. 

He's not angry at Vanya or Ben or Five or any of the others, more frustrated at himself for being in this fucking position. His siblings are just worried. They're trying to help. If he was in their place, he'd try to help them.  
Maybe you wouldn't or you'd just make it all worse  
God why am you such a shitty person?  
Yeah of course this is all about you  
Shut up, just please stop  
Stop feeling sorry for yourself  
KLAUS!KLAUS!KLAUS!HELPUS!  
God I want a hit or a knife, whatever will just make it stop

"Klaus this, this isn't nothing it's three cigarettes you put out on your arm." 

And she's standing now, Klaus didn't notice that before and why didn't he notice god he's so fucking stupid, and she's flailing her arms, covered in a coat so large it could smother her and she's trying to get him to look at her but the last time he did that she looked sad because of him.  
It's all his fault  
Such a fucking fuck up  
Always have been  
Always will be

Silence falls once again and Klaus has never really been the biggest fan of that, too many voices and memories and ghosts. Dave used to talk for hours on end about nothing and everything as long as it helped to fill the silence. Dave used to hold him in his arms and whisper softly to make him feel better.  
Dave used to trust him  
Dave also used to be alive

"Don't." 

"What?" Vanya spits incredulously as he finally turns to face her, and it's almost as if she can't believe what Klaus is asking of her. He's done it before, with the drugs.

It's not an addiction I swear

"Don't tell Ben, Vanya, please I'm begging you. Please, okay? I just want to be able to smoke my fucking cigarettes in peace." Klaus is aware that, pleading to his little sister with tearful eyes and a cracking frustrated voice, he sounds and looks pathetic and whiny and ohgodwhycantyoustopbeingsogoddamnannoying

"The others are waiting"

"Waiting to stick their noses in my goddamn business you mean?"

"They're wo- we're worried about you, and you promised you wouldn't run from this."

"I also promised I'd get sober in 2003 and we both know how that turned out."

"Klaus."

He wants to scream until his lungs give out and he finally croaks, until they finally realise that he is not worth their trust or help or comfort or pity because his siblings are not this fucking stupid. It's basic fact of the umbrella academy, Klaus is a liar.   
So when Klaus said he wouldn't run away from this, well. Klaus has been running his entire life so it's not really surprising to literally anyone except number three but that's just her clinging onto the idea that everything can be fixed.

He sighs.

This isn't going to just stop.   
Vanya is going to tell Ben.  
He has to stop running from his siblings.  
they want an explanation.  
They deserve an explanation.  
And they're all waiting inside for him.  
fuckfuckfuckfuck

And yeah he contemplates jumping the fence and escaping into the bleak summer night to buy more razors or cocaine or just to walk around in his own miserable bubble of denial and self loathing until a restless sleep claims him. But he doesn't, and he tries not to hate himself for thinking about it. 

"Okay Van Van, I guess it's time to get this little show over with."

"No more running?"

And he gazes up to the sky and reminds himself of the stolen kisses he and Dave once shared under a blanket of stars protecting them, the ones he hopes they'll share again like his vulnerable, brave and beautifully loving soldier promised him they would. Dave may be gone but he knows that unlike him Dave always keeps his promises. They'll meet again, one way or another.

You could visit him now  
Just one sharp nick across the wrist  
An accident I swear it  
They'd be better off  
Ben would finally stop worrying about his sorry ass  
They all deserve an explanation.   
He owes them that much

He bows his head in mock defeat, sighing for what feels like the hundredth time today because   
christ on a cracker, why is everything so heavy?

"Yeah no more running." 

And he doesn't know if he means it or not, but Dave always meant it and Dave meant everything to him.

He turns to face Vanya who is smiling softly in relief at his compliance, chilled hands falling from their fidgeting position (thank god) to gesture him inside (fuck you god ya little backstabbing bitch). Feelings of dread wash over him in the darkness like he's a lamb awaiting the slaughter and he starts to follow her into the dimly lit academy leaving behind only a cluster of orange cigarette ash and burned out stars that used to make him feel safe.  
Well fuck this is not going to end well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi it's been a while and i'll e honest kinda hate this chapter but like needed to post before I fully went insane! Anyway sorry this chapter isn't as good as usual but I will try to upload a better chapter soon. Also thanks to anyone who read my other fanfic because like the need for validation is a thing. Anyway see ya next time


	14. Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes i'm back and I have been writing again so like pain man. As always heed the tags and check notes for trigger warnings so stay safe my lovelies!  
> Other than that, hope you like the chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for self harm references, references to drug abuse, suicidal thoughts, spirals of thought, anxiety, panic attacks.

Klaus doesn't remember a lot from the age of 12. All he knew was that in the blur of addiction and the grey of the mausoleum, time moved fast and he moved slow. Until Five ran out of the academy, until time (as they'd later come to realise) had stolen their brother, until time stood still. Because Five was gone and Vanya's eyes were always puffy and red and Klaus's were too but for different reasons.  
If he saw his brother's ghost then he was afraid that the tears would come so violently that they'd drown him.  
He never wanted to be an addict.  
He never wanted to see the ghosts.  
He never wanted his siblings to hate him.  
He never wanted to live like this.  
Klaus had just wanted to stop the crying. 

Whether it was his own or Vanya's or the ghosts, it didn't matter. Nothing did. 

After a while, that was all there was or could possibly be, just an overwhelming spiral of nothingness as time slowly ceased to exist. But when you spend your whole life running, eventually time has a funny way of catching up with you. It's why Klaus swears that the grandfather clock he's been intensely staring at in the living room is mocking him.  
Tick  
Tock  
Tick  
Tock  
Clock hands cutting through the would-be quiet, if only gruesome old murder victims had any respect for the pregnant silence between all the hargreeves siblings. But it's not like the ghosts really matter or even count to anyone but Klaus.  
Doesn't really count to anyone then.

You don't matter  
They all know it  
All know how bad a person you are  
What a waste of space

A pointed cough that he's pretty sure came from Diego bounces off the walls and Klaus is very certain that it means he should talk, that he should finally say something to the siblings waiting expectantly across from him. But when numbers 1 through 7 are all waiting for you to sing like a canary, it's intimidating and embarrassing and I don't want to talk about this what the fuck do you even say in this situation anyway? 

Better get this over with so they can all leave me the fuck alone and stop worrying over my stupid ass  
Luther's going to call you an attention seeker  
Diego'll think you're insane  
Allison always agrees with Luther  
Five will point out how stupid and illogical you are  
Ben will be disappointed  
Vanya looks so sad  
They're going to hate you  
Hell you deserve that  
What have you become?

Klaus feels like he's dying.  
Instead he sighs.

It's exhausted and has way too much emotion in it and it didn't work anyway; no matter how slow he breathes, his leg keeps shaking and it's as if his chest is trapped under the sandbags he rested Dave's body on.  
The weight will never leave, and he wishes he could say the same for Dave.

Dave never left  
He died  
He stayed with you until the end  
He should have run  
Dave didn't deserve to die  
You didn't deserve to be loved  
It's all your fault

"So," his gaze falls from the old wooden clock and onto his feet, still avoiding the inevitable expressions of disappointment and anger because he used to think deflection was his superpower and now he knows that he would definitely prefer it. C'mon Klaus It's time to stop running, "what do you want to know?"

Puffs of relieved air fill the room and now that the silence is broken, a new sense of tension takes over. Klaus hears a few of his superhero siblings shift in their places but from where they're circled around the room all facing him, he feels like a dead animal surrounded by vultures. He hears someone clear their throat but he can't tell who, he can't focus on anything beyond the smell of whiskey from where Five's nursing his drink 10 feet away from him.  
God he wants a drink, more than fucking anything.  
Or drugs  
Or Dave  
Or a blade  
Just nothing

He settles for biting the nails he wishes were embedded in his palms and anxiously awaits for this to be over because he can't stop thinking about Five's pencil sharpener and he promised to keep to his sobriety.  
You also promised Ben you'd try.  
Liar

"Why did Diego know before any of us? I mean I get Ben but why Dieg-"

"Luther, do you really think that's what's important right now?" Ben wasn't really asking. Klaus might just be about to thank that little bitch god because he's sure a fight will break out eventually and relieve him of having to open his heart up.  
But then an unlikely silence smothers them like a blanket made of the material Reginald used to sound proof Klaus's room as a kid. Luther's face contorts into something half anger, half empathy with a bit of what Klaus thinks might be regret but it's an unsettling and unfamiliar emotion to see on him so maybe it's a trick of the spooky academy lights. 

"Hey Ben it's fine, don't get your panties in a bunch. Diego just found out by himself okay? Not really a conspiracy big guy."

Ben's still glaring at Luther a bit but he says nothing more, just shuffles closer to his brother and it's all Klaus can do not to just curl into Ben and use the warmth of number 6's arms as a shield from the questions.  
They deserve answers  
They deserve better  
KLAUS!  
You keep fucking everything up  
You ruin everything  
Death follows you around it's only a matter of time before they all die because of your stupid ass  
Just like Dave  
KLAUS!  
He was so beautiful  
So good  
And you got him killed

The cool metal clanging against his chest both soothes him and makes him feel like he's tied to an anvil, no escape, just the familiarity of Dave and the unwelcome guilt dragging him into oblivion. 

"You could have come to us, you know?" 

He just scoffs.  
Ah yes, the family that chooses when to care and when to degrade and shame.

"Were you ever gonna tell us?" Vanya continues with her questioning, shoulders hunched in on themselves like she's about to cave in on herself, Klaus thinks it might just be because they're all in a room together and having everyone together is a recipe for disaster. Another part of Klaus thinks the way her face looks just so sad that it's because of what they're talking about, and he hates himself for it but that's not exactly new.

"Why?"

He cranes his neck to look at them and his green orbs only find confused and frustrated faces. This is exactly what he was trying to avoid.

"Why? You have a serious problem that's why!"

The drugs were a serious problem, they never tried to talk to him about that, they just let him self destruct, let him ruin their lives by being him and being an addict but Klaus reckons those are both the same thing.  
Still a junkie even when you're sober  
Still ruin everything  
Why are we even discussing this?  
This isn't a problem  
They want to take this away from him  
Fuckfuckfuckfuck

"Oh really," Klaus lets out a laugh, "we're going to have a huge therapy session about the Sweeney Todd level fucked up childhood we all endured or is this more of an interrogation for the Séance?" Klaus finishes off seething with anger and annoyance, flailing his hands dramatically as he talks.

"No we're going to talk openly about how best to help you."  
Allison pipes up for the first time since their conversation began and even when she switches out couture for comfy casual, she looks and sounds intimidating; she's resolute yet calm like even an apocalypse couldn't change her opinion, Klaus supposes one was enough to change her opinion on a lot, Or did she always want to be a better sister and just not try before?

"Did you ever think that maybe I don't need nor want that huh? How about we talk about Five's addiction to the apocalypse, or Diego punching his emotions everywhere."

He doesn't want their help  
They didn't care before  
This isn't even a problem  
It's fine  
Or is it?  
It's Klaus

"Stop changing the subject Klaus, you promised you wouldn't run away"

"I'm a liar, okay? This isn't something to worry your pretty little heads over."

No one speaks, not that Klaus can hear anything over the ghosts and thoughts anyway.

"Klaus." He hears Ben sigh, a look of concern and exhaustion etched onto his face,  
raven hair once gelled back, now in all different directions of disarray. Still better kept than Klaus's unruly locks, but it's enough for Klaus to get the message.

Ben is disappointed  
He fucked up

"No I was never going to tell you guys. There, happy?"  
The Séance tries to make up for eye contact with eye rolling and shaking his tattooed hands jazz style. It's already clear to literally everyone that he won't look at them, maybe a little, but not enough to see the sadness.  
Klaus used to wonder if Dave saw the sadness in him when they first met, used to wonder if Dave would still love him; before he knew it, he was wondering how Dave knew just what to say, how Dave knew when to hold him, how Dave knew how to help him through practically everything. Now he wonders when he'll see him again, wonders if he'll ever get to hold Dave's face in his hands again and stare into his beautiful blue eyes like he's the only other person in the universe.  
Klaus never thought it was possible to miss another person this much  
Until Dave  
Until Dave's heart and Klaus's lungs and time itself stopped all at once  
Until there was nothing Klaus's lungs could do but contract and erupt with the agonising screams of a broken soldier  
Until all that was left inside his bleeding heart was anger and grief

"You could have, y'know? I- I mean told us, you could have told us."

"But I didn't, and then Five..."

Usually this is when Five would take the reins, make a snarky comment about his superior intellect and leave everyone choking on the dust from his stick of chalk. Now there isn't even an arrogant smirk plastered on his face and Klaus would give anything to stop this, because for around the third time of his entire life Five looks unsure of what to do. And it is fucking terrifying.

You fucked this all up  
You should've hidden this better  
Now Ben's worried  
Vanya's sad  
Five's uncertain and he hates that  
He hates you  
And you're still thinking about his pencil sharpener

The craving sets deep inside his skin and he itches because fucking hell could Vanya not have waited to come out for a few more minutes so he could have a couple more cigarettes with his favourite ashtray.  
Just some fucked up addict  
Even more guilt  
It doesn't just fucking stop

"Five I'm sorry if I scared you or something, I wa-wasn't thinking clearly and it wasn't meant t- I'm so sorry."

Seriously how pathetic can you be  
Stop feeling sorry for yourself  
You can't even look at them  
They deserve so much better than you

"I'm not mad at you dummy, I just want to understand." The sound of sloshing liquid and fingernails tapping glass fill the tense atmosphere as Five speaks, voice tight in his throat as the frustration seeps in. His emotions resemble weeds, deeper below the surface and desperate not to peek through the cracks in his face and voice.  
Five doesn't like not knowing, it just doesn't sit right with him, never has, especially when it's about his siblings. Especially when he ends up walking in on his older younger brother bleeding out, scarlet and silver surrounding his crumpled body, the crumpled body he saw broken in the apocalypse that wasn't, the crumpled body that wrecked his spirit because klauswasdeadandallisonisntbreathingtheyrealldeadfuckfuckplease

Five won't let them die, not again, not if he had any say in the matter.  
But what if this is something he can't fix?

Logically, Klaus knows that his brother cares about him, knows he doesn't want him dead but right now all he can think is burdenburdenburden

"What can I say? I'm an enigma, a mystery, an Agatha Christie novel if you will."

"Klaus."

"Yeah I know." 

"Can you, I don't know, tell us why?" And therein lies the catch.

Klaus himself doesn't quite know why this thing stuck, why he even got the idea in the first place, what he knows is that he was two years clean before he left Vietnam, and then he wasn't. The constant weight of panic and numbness and grief, so much fucking grief, became too much without Dave there.  
His beautiful, strong soldier to protect him from ghosts and memories and himself.  
His beautiful, strong soldier that he vowed to protect from nightmares and bigotry and the curse of Klaus.  
Dim oranges from campfire illuminating their faces as they held each other tight, love and reassurance and Dave, a remedy for a bad day.  
Heyheyareyoukiddingimnotleavingyouiloveyouklausokay

It's not like he can answer Diego's question the way they all want him to. 

"I- umm, one night I flushed all my drugs, decided to get sober and then I panicked, and I couldn't breathe, it was just too loud." He shuts his eyes for a moment to ground himself and decides to leave out the part where he only got sober to try to conjure number Five, and the part where it wasn't only the ghosts that were loud. What's the fucking point? "I don't know why, it just helped."  
He just knows that the pain and sight of blood somehow calms him. What doesn't calm him is that Vanya is looking at him with teary eyes and Luther's face is confused but empathetic and Diego is curling his fists in preparation to punch a wall.  
fuckfuckfuckfuckimsosorryididntmeantofuckitallup

"So are you going to try to quit?"

"I can stop whenever I want, this isn't- this is nothing, okay?"

"Klaus, you know it doesn't work that way." Five says sadly, and Klaus can only look down at his twiddling fingers so he doesn't have to witness the knowing looks. 

"I know."

Once again, a thick smog of silence fills the room and it's honestly become unsettling after all the family bonding they've done. Now it's all been ruined, Klaus guesses.  
This is ridiculous  
I'm fine

"Hey I quit drugs right, no more cocaine for Klausy."

I can't quit this too  
I tried  
Pathetic  
KLAUS!  
You failed  
You always fail and Luther always keeps razor refills in his shower caddy  
God you're weak  
KLAUS!

You are my greatest disappointment, number four.  
He's just a number  
A soldier  
He doesn't matter

"Fine, I won't do it anymore, can I go now?"

The lies sit comfortably on the tip of his tongue and lying feels like breathing if it gets this all to just stop. He lies, he breaks his promises, he swears he'll never do it again, pinky promise benny boy it was a one-off. He hates himself for it, gut twisting into sickening self-hatred, but on the other hand he really needs the normalcy back.  
Vanya had started playing private little concerts for them and Allison wants Claire to visit and Diego and Luther have held about 4 conversations without arguing in the past few months. Suddenly, the weight is crushing and all Klaus craves is for the way it used to be, hell, he'd take pre-apocalypse over this because at least then none of them were really trying to be a family. Now they were, now Klaus had thrown a wrench into the already fragile bikespokes of their family unicycle.  
I'm sorry  
I didn't mean to mess it all up

"Klaus." Ben says softly, sadly, a subtle gesture of we all know you're lying can we please actually talk about this.  
Because of course Ben knows, they all do. Klaus is an amazing liar but this time it didn't slip through the cracks as well as it usually did. Maybe the whole seeing your brother rapidly bleeding out thing invokes a sense of vulnerability, Klaus doesn't know if that's the reason, last place he saw himself today was a fucking therapy session. He more saw himself sneaking out the window, buying a pack of razors and some cigarettes and then disappearing into the night so no one can hate him.

"Where do we go from here then? Five, you got some big master plan?"

"Well I was thinking we hide the kniv-"  
"...ing out different coping mechanis-"  
"Maybe therapy."  
They all spoke at the same time, a hopeful (read deluded) group choir of solutions Klaus doesn't care about. The siblings are a sea or optimistic good intentions and Klaus doesn't know how to break it to them.  
I'm sorry  
I keep fucking it up  
I'm trying  
But are you really?  
This isn't drugs  
It's fine don't worry about me

"Klaus?"  
And he's zoned out worse than his first acid trip, but this time he's not crying with relief at nothingness.  
It's all he's ever wanted, just nothing.  
Peace  
You could easily have eternal peace  
with Dave  
Dave's dead  
You're dead  
KLAUS!  
No I'm alive  
They wouldn't miss you if you were  
KLAUS!

"Guys maybe we should take a break, you guys just let me talk to him."  
Ben declares leaving no room for any real discussion or argument, eyes still attached to his brother in caution and concern.  
The majority of his siblings nod their heads but don't move until Diego shovels them out into the hallway, eyebrows knit in worried understanding; it's not the first time this has happened, probably won't be the last but if Luther looks at him like that for shooing him out the room one more time Diego might just fucking stab him.

The heavy oak doors close with a creak but Ben isn't really focused on that, more concerned with how heavy his brother's shoulders look every time he lets out a ragged breath. How his leg stopped bouncing in anxiety against the living room carpet, instead shaking with his whole body as his expressionless face stares into the corner.

"Klaus?"

His brother flinches slighty at the name and Ben resigns to not use it until his brother is calm again.  
Klaus really does appreciate it.

"They're gone, hey Séance you with me?" Klaus snaps his head towards his brother as he blinks his charcoal lined eyes in confusion and partly to stop the tears from spilling; his eyes are leaking but he doesn't know why. "Okay can you hear me?"

He nods.

Ben looks worried  
Your fault  
No Ben's dead  
I'm not here  
KLAUS!  
Then why are my lungs so tight?  
The dead don't breathe stupid  
You're not breathing  
KLAUS!

"Okay number four I'm going to touch you okay?," He nods and Ben moves to sit in front of his brother gently touching his arms, hoping to ground him as he was never able to do when he was a ghost. "There ya go, you're okay. You're alive, you're safe, you're in the academy. It's Wednesday the 2"

"23rd, August 2019." He speaks quietly, voice breaking as he seems to come back and take a steadying breath. 

"Looser or tighter?"

"Tighter, please?" And Klaus doesn't have time to think of how pathetically young he must sound in the desperation because Ben is hugging him and Ben is alive and he's real, he's okay.  
Can't even have a conversation without freaking out  
Jesus you're fucked up  
Once an addict...  
But to what?  
Oh my god what if they all think I'm high?

"I'm sorry," Klaus breathes out, blinking to steady the tears. "I- I know how this looks, but I promise Ben I'm no- I swe-

And his brother just holds him tighter and as Ben takes deeper breaths so Klaus can match with his without having to ask, he's sure that he's alive, Ben is alive and Klaus, he's alive.  
But do you really wanna be?  
I don't wanna live like this anymore  
He sounds crazy  
Ben must think he's high

"Hey I know you aren't high, I believe you."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you're way more of a cunt on LSD."

Klaus chuckles dryly, it feels more normal than the past few days but ,hey since when where things with the Hargreeves ever normal?

"Yeah ain't that the truth."

More silence.  
This time with more air to breathe.

"Not that i don't appreciate all this but you can let go now Ben, you know how much of a tiger mom I turn into." Ben lingers as he lets go, ready to spring back into comforting him if need be, but Klaus just smiles at him in trying to reassure his brother that he's okay. So Ben sighs in relief and sits back to his original place beside him.  
He shouldn't have to worry about this  
God you're pathetic  
They'd be better off without you

His mind wanders back to Five's desk where he knows the little old man keeps his pencil sharpeners, and it also wanders back to the tent in Vietnam that he'd gladly give up his academy mattress for; Inside the tent is Dave and he'd give up anything to get him back.  
Dave would be so disappointed

An itch invades his skin that the metal of Dave's dog tags can't soothe, it's desperate and clawing and he needs this.  
You're better than that and Dave, he knew it too. Ben's words keep going around in a loop in his head.

Dave understood it  
Dave helped when he thought about slipping and just letting go  
Dave made him never want to slip again because if he let go he'd lose Dave and Dave was everything to him.  
Dave wanted him to get better  
Ben did too

"Ben?"

"Yeah." He snaps his head towards his brother, whose still bowing his head and fiddling with his sleves in cold pale hands, as if he's scared the ceiling will collapse and cave if he so much as breathes. He's only ever carried himself this way around Ben or Diego or Dave, and he knows that what he's about to say is too vulnerable to even speak into existence.  
And yet he does.  
He speaks.

"I um- I don't know if I want help."

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

It's not, he thinks but he doesn't dare speak it out loud.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think this is nearing the end of this fanfic, maybe a few chapters left and I just wanted to say thank you for all the support and comments, I very much do appreciate the feedback, yall too kind. Anyway, I'll see you guys later, hope you enjoyed the chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> I’m projecting onto a fictional character because big shocker, I have no healthy coping mechanisms, thanks for reading my first and potentially most depressing fanfic ever. Let me know if I should carry on with this story. YEET.


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